Sunday, December 7, 2008

Life goes by one step at a time. Is my left foot in the right spot? Yes. It is. Where do I put my right one in June?

What am I doing? What could I be doing? There are so many options and I feel like I am choosing the path of less excitement. Not of the least excitement, because I don't think that any teacher could ever say that. But I want to travel. Why am I not teacher in Denver? Why am I not in Africa? Why am I not in England? Why am I not a tour guide or something so that I could travel? I'm a going-on-23 single woman living in the suburbs of the same state that I have almost always lived in. Don't get me wrong, I love Texas. And if I go, I doubt I wont be back. But I have wanted to go for a long time. Is now the time or do I ignore it. If I ignore it, how long will I regret it? If I grant it heed, then where do I start?
Decision. Prayer.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Monday, November 24, 2008


needs affirmation again.

I am slightly shocked and deeply frustrated. I watched a britney spears music video. Tis true, I haven't done that before- i don't watch MTV and I never look at celebrity or secular music info on the web. Crazy that I have sheltered myself like that- being 22 and all. When the song ended, I got this wierd adrenaline rush sensation of both sex-drive and pain of feeling like I have to compete with that. I admit that I almost liked the initial feeling for a moment, but it was drowned out pretty quickly by the feeling of inadequacy. Why does she get to steal men's attention? Does my future husband watch stuff like that now? Does he expect that of me? Does part of him not want to be bound to me because he doesn't get to indulge in stuff like that? Does watching it have the same effect on him of happypain and does it keep dragging him back for more and does his pain keep building up and is his perspective of women skewed? What about my brother? What about my students? What about my girl students that must feel what I feel even stronger if they have even less of the wisdom that "mature-me" obviously doesn't have enough of. Is there a man out there that wants me, just me, and not in a studio with hairdye, fake tan, makeup, expensive lighting, airbrush, and oil and being a part of that 2% of the population that happens to be in the body that producers would stick in the stupid uglyhead studio anyway? Is there a man out there that wants me, just me and doesnt want to go to those videos and images of skanky, confused and probably deeply troubled women to supplement his what-ever-the-heck it is that worldly men want? My first inclination was to call some boy that I know thinks that I am pretty and get some words of affirmation from him. I didn't. First, I know deep in me, that I should get my affirmation from the Lord, not from the eyes of a man- especially from one to whom I am not married. Which leads me to the second reason, I didn't think that the call would benefit the guy's faith walk or focus. So I prayed for my husband and for myself and for a few of the boys that I thought to call. And after I prayed for myself, I had a whole nother train of thoughts flow into me. I thought of a music video that I saw the other day by Sara Groves. It's called "I saw what I saw" if you wanna youtube it. She's a woman of noble character serving the Lord- in modest attire might I add. And I rerealized- actually rererererealized that a woman like this one is so much more beautiful than an oil-covered one who puts her value in the multitudes of masculine attention. God thinks so AND the husband that I just prayed for is going to think so! I am a treasure! And I get to choose what I am going to treasure and it is not my physical appeal to men.
"Where my treasure is, my heart will be also" (Bible).
"What I treasure will be what I chase after" (Ben Stuart).
Backtrack-what I treasure will surely be a result of what I think about and my mind will be filled with the visuals that enter my eyes and with the words, affirming or not, that enter my ears. Read Philippians 4:8. And as those thoughts flow into my heart and become my treasure, I will chase them- and it is at that what-am-i-going-to-fill-up-with/chase after decision point that some girls burden themselves and hurt themselves. I am reassured that the noble-charactered woman is both more beautiful and more confident than sex idols. My treasure is in the Lord and in what the Lord treasures and I am a pure gift to my husband and I hope and pray that he treasures me above those fake things on a computer screen. Oh I'm so excited! I just need to be reminded.
watch Casting Crowns "Slow Fade" too. After you read Philippians 4:8.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I'm in Abilene with Grandmother and family

Grandmother was moved to hospice today. She is too tired to open her eyes or talk, but I can tell by her facial expressions that she can hear us. I sat and sang to her for a long time. It is strange that barely a month ago, we were walking around her house and flipping through catalogues together. She has three children: Dad, Tim, Thad, and Tracee. I've been watching the sons together. I don't know what to say about it, just that I am watching it. Katie, Carter, and I stood with her for a while, quiet and teary, I don't really know what to say about that either. I read a poem to her that I found- it reminded me of her as soon as I heard it. I'll type it. It is kindof long; it's about John 15- "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

"Tis only a little branch, a thing so fragile and weak;
But that little branch have a message true to give could it only speak.
I'm only a little branch; I live by life not mine.
For the sap that flows through my tendrils small is the life blood of the vine.
No power, indeed, have I, the fruit of myself to bear,
But since I'm part of the living vine, it's fruitfulness I share.
O, dost thou ask how I abide- how this life I can maintain?
It's easy, I'm bound to the vine by life's strong band and I only need remain.
Where first my life was given in the spot where I am set,
Upborn and upheld as the days go by by the stem which bears me yet.
I fear not the days to come or dwell not upon the past,
As moment by moment, I draw life which forever more shall last.
See I bask in the sun's bright beams, which sweetness fills my fruit,
Yet I own not the clusters hanging there for they all come from the root.
A life which is not my own but another's life in me,
This, this is the message the branch would speak, a message to thee and me.
O struggle not to abide nor labor to bring forth fruit,
But let Jesus unite thee to Himself as the vine branch to the root.
So simple, so deep, so strong that union with Him shall be,
His life shall ever replace thine own and His love shall flow through thee.
For His spirit's fruit is love and love shall thy life become.
And forever more on His heart of love shall my spirit have her home.
-Freda H.

So I read that to her and sang her some songs and talked about something I had told her before (below) and told her I was proud of her.
2 Tim 1:5 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."
Last year, I painted this verse for her and added that she is like Lois who had a firm foundation in Christ and taught her faith to children who taught it to their families and now, because of her foundation in Christ, a whole family trusts the Lord and other lives have been touched because of it.

Katie and I painted her nails today. They are pretty-pink and so are mine. We went back by the house tonight and while Dad was busy, I played in her vanity and closet. I tried on her jewelry- her engagement ring and some earrings and a pearl necklace and put on her lipstick and perfume and tried on her shoes.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Heather is living in a surprised state. I'm just surprised that I am surprised about what I am surprised about. It feels good in a wierd and unexpected way.

Anyway, have you ever played your ipod while driving by charging it through your laptop computer which you plugged into a converter because it needs to be charged too and sticking that in the cigarette lighter? It was like having company in the passenger seat.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me; once was lost but now am found; was blind but b/c of me am still having trouble seeing

Prov 13:12

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Christ is to be my longing. If I let Him, then He will fulfill His promises and thus fill me. And when I am that tree of life with hope in the Lord, I will be abiding in Him and my branches will become fruit-bearing. Those branches will not be thrown into the fire. When I produce fruit, I will add to His joy and He will add to mine. How Alive that feels- ("Life is Christ, everythingelse is just living.") I don't know why I haven't been chasing it since Pine Cove.

John 15:4-"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

And apart from me you feel nothing. You are dead eventhough you are alive, like a cabbage is to a ball of string and a cat is to literature or arithmatic. You may have blood in your veins instead of chlorophyl and you may even comprehend arithmatic, but you are unresponsive to God, whom you were made to interact with. Your tree exists like a skeleton lacking the blooms that it was created to make. John 15:6 "If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." 1 Corinthians 3:15 "If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames." This fruit production and much more the life of your branches, is not something that we can attain through effort. We do not hold our breath and push till our ears pop as if that would make the apples pop out. A tree doesn't make its fruit by its own efforts; He brings forth the blooms. Matt. 6:30 "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, will he not much more clothe you?"

Eph. 5:15 "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
"The Deeper the Roots the Higher the Reach."-that is on a framed poster on the wall in a Starbucks bathroom in Ennis, TX. Deepen your roots in the Lord by abiding in Him and your tree of life will grow higher and reach farther to others who need your help and need Him. Those century-tree like branches will be bursting with fresh smelling fruit! "The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma." Genesis 8:21. And 2 Corinthians 2:15 says, "For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."

Friday, October 10, 2008

journal entry about that distant husband guy and what I am realizing about myself-sorta

Thinking about it on my way to sleep. Got up and wrote it down. No, marriage is not this close to the forefront of my mind. I am a single woman right now and proud to be that. But that doesn't mean that I can't think about it.

I want more than anything for that man to hold me so close and tight and let me sleep on his chest with joy and pride in having me as a wife. I want and need him to hold my face and say to me regularly, "You are enough for me. I am completely content and satisfied by you and I could not ask for anything more. Thank you for all that you do and for how you tenderly take care of me and my home. I will treasure you always and I will never ever ever leave you or forsake you and my eye will never desire to go astray. And I will lead our family by God's hand which is bigger than my own."

From what I have gathered, this is the longing in the hearts of most women, but this is one of the first times that I tapped into myself and realized what it is that I am really longing for.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Ozark National Forest

I want to go hike and camp in Ozark National Forest. I have riden through it by car and motorcycle more than thrice, but I haven't done enough hiking in it. I need to put this aluminum hiking backpack to use. October 25ish- when the leaves are turning and it isn't too too cold. Any ideas?

Oh and I am looking at opportunities to teach abroad this summer. Asia or Europe? If I work at camp for half the summer, then it will have to be somewhere with internet access the other half so that I can do grad school classes from there. I bet I don't work at camp. I could teach for anywhere from 3 weeks to 12 weeks. up to me. What do you think?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Naaman Forest. I love my students. I am so tired.

I have not blogged in a long time. I have less time than I used to have. And I have enough company that I need not use this space to replace socialization. I get plenty of "social" at work (there are few places more social than a high school-granted they are all 6-7 years younger than I), so, when I get home, I almost prefer a bit of alone time. Whereby, during the summer I was a bit lonely and when I got back from being in class, where I knew few people, then left my phone on the counter because there were few people to listen to me talk, I needed to type and pretend like more than three people were reading it.
"Alone time"...what is that again? Oh yea- that's when I drive four hours to college station by myself once every 3 weeks. Haha. I am trying to healthily balance being a good teacher (this requires a lot of research since i am teaching some things that I have not learned myself since HS and I wasn't necessarily paying great attention when I learned those. aka: big time commitment), getting enough SLEEP, getting adequate exercise/acivity from Rock Climbing to bike riding and using the Liftime Fitness membership I purchased, spending time with my family and doing chores around the house, and getting a good dose of social time with people my age- most of the teachers I work with are wonderful but older than me and of course the ppl that I spend the most time with are much younger all though I love my students oh so much, and then having quiet time in which I can pray and journal and coffee in a big chair indian style- a few weeks without that and i just don't feel as alive. I have not done arts and crafts in a long time... and I am still on the late August journal- that's wierd for me. My church is wonderful. My community group is beautiful. My accountability group still loves me a lot. I've gone dancing up here enough times to keep me sane and I am required to drive to College Station enough that I don't cry from missing it. Men confuse me, but I don't mind that. I confuse men, and I mind that less. Sometimes I really feel like I get up, race the sun to school, monitor mild maniacs in the hallway (that is not negative, it is funny), then teach 30 teenagers at a time for 8 hours with a thirty minute soup break, then tutor them one-on-one after that, then grade what they did, then eat something, then plan what we are doing the next day, then sleep a little bit. I have gotten sick because of not sleeping enough twice and i had to pull off the road one morning because fell asleep at the wheel- bad and scary. But I hate the scrambled feeling of not being prepared. My first period class probably thinks I'm incompitant because they are my ginny pigs class. But once second period comes in I'm set and the day runs smoothly. I'm relatively quick on my toes. and i try to make them think. i ask them a lot of questions during lecture to get them to think and anticipate as well as to stir discussion. Some classes are AWESOME in group discussion! I love it. Different classes have different personalities- i have always heard that but now i really see it. We have discussed security and freed om and economics and development and maintainance of corporations and the environment and photography and self-esteem and how to treat janitors. A lot of kids are very opinionated and they seem to like to hear what i have to say about these things. I play devils advocate- and while i do my best to be unbiased on political things, they are usually curious and responsive to what I think about what we discuss- which is nice but not as important. I don't want them to just know facts about history. This is "social studies;" i want them to leave my class with a better understanding of society and how to develop their own opinions and how to listen to others. I am really enjoying it- but I do not deny my near exhaustion. I think I already told you enough about that. Ha. I have had some interesting scenarios in my class room. Crazy attention seeker student who cannot stay in his chair for more than five minutes stole my orange juice, hid it from me, took a drink of it, and through it against the back wall last week. That was interesting. I have had a bright laser-like-but-not-quite pen light shined in my eyes while i lectured. One boy got up and punched another one in his seat. Another does things like stand up in his chair randomly in the middle of class and stare at me until i tell him to sit down. If I look at him like he is foolish and ask him to get down without taking away from classtime to give him attention, then his is less likely to do it as often. they are so funny like that. I have had a lot of neat conversations with a bunch of girl students. Football games are a blast. i make my rounds to visit my band kids and my sterling stars and my cheerleader and my Lumberjack boys that treat me like their mom. The lumberjacks stand down on the field and do stunts during games then they run back to me like Miss. Miss. How did that look? high fives high fives. Miss. Miss. watch this! And like three of them run into my classroom nearly everyday after school with some bright idea that they have been wating since third period to tell me. I really like it. I have a bunch o f students that want to start a swing dance club. So we are- that should be a blast. I have to decide what is safe enough to teach them and what's a liability. I have gotten to talk to quite a few students about God already and I love that. they do too. Okay this is long enough. I'm going to drink this wine and head towards bed where i may consider day dreaming for at least twenty minutes before sleeping because it is worth it. Trust me, life without day dreaming is sad. I used to daydream in my journal too, but now it is practically back to back sermon notes. okay tat is not true, but it is pretty close.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

"Hard Day?" what is that, a slogan?

Walking down the terminal- Southwest Airlines adds on the walls made me think. The theme sentence between four posters was "hard day?".

Poster 1: A business man fixing a printer with ink exploded on his face and looking frustrated
Poster 2: Zoomed in on a broken business high heel shoe
Poster 3: A dog eating a Black Berry computer phone
Poster 4: A woman in a suit being splashed by a taxi driving through a mud puddle
I don't know what the point of these adds is, but they reveal a lot about American culture and priorities. Why doesn't it say "hard day?" and show a hungry five year old boy sitting by a projects basketball court? Why doesn't it show a young girl fallen into prosititution who jus found out that she is pregnant or has an STD? Why doesn't it show the homeless man who had his ID stolen and now cannot possibly get a job? Or the one tha showed up at free breakfast under the bridge on Sunday morning to find that they had run out of tacos? Or the woman that got her only outfit wet in the rain and there is not public building that will let her come in from the cold because she is too dirty? What about cancer and suicide and hunger and the storms and fires that take out whole neighborhoods and carbombs and oil spills? What about the soul that never finds God and the Christian too afraid to tell them? Why in the world is a broken high heel or a cracked computer grounds for a "hard day?"?
We have it so easy. Maybe humans are just prone to negativity and seek opportunities for complaint; and if there are no real problems in our lives then we have to find something to be upset about or else we can't poossibly be living fully, right? Or maybe we just don't expect to live fully. Well it is true that it is impossible to live fully if you look to anything on earth to satisfy you- including "real problems" like food and health. Only God can satisfy our needs and longings. If you aren't happy and are wondering why, don't blame shallow worldly things. Get to know the living God who will make your joy full. John 15:11.
And please hold me accountable- If ever you hear me ranting or upset about something dumb, call me out.

My friend Jazztronaut from camp wrote this to me in a letter, "It seems to me that it is really through our faith in God that we are able to serve others and put their needs abouve our own. If this train of thought is true, the people who serve well are to be commended for their faithful trust in God, because they innately or intentionally rely on Him to provide their own needs after taking care of the needs of others. Matthew 6:33."

A camper said about her week at camp (and I wrote this down in my journal because I learned from her), "I learned that sometimes God won't give you what you want so that you will realize that is is not what you need."
My clever quote concerning men and women in relationships.

""Boys are more obvious; girls are more mysterious.
Girls are more intuitive; boys are more oblivious."

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Camp zoomed by fast. Geeze.

Camp ended. I got to be a counselor the last week! That was pretty much amazing. I had gotten pretty comfortable in my kitchen role and prayed that God would present a way to stretch me a little more the last week and He did. The director grabbed me about an hour and a half before the campers arrived and said, "Stretch, one of the counselors had a crisis at home and're a counselor this week." Ah! Oh I loved it! My girls were wonderful and I miss them. I was certainly thrown once again out of my comfort zone and I learned more about relating to teenagers. I think just the fact that I have been overwhelmed and ucomfy and uncertain so many times while having to be responsible in such a short period of time before the big school boom is good. I was coasting through college. not that classes weren't challenging anymore, i just knew what to expect, how hard i had to work, and well, I knew what I was doing and have been in my comfort zone for two years now. Even performing dancing in from of a few thousand people had become no big deal. So being thrown into two situations where I was being depended on be others and having to make lots of crazy decisions on the fly and think fast and do things that I didn't know how to do was, if nothing else, good for preparing me for the suprises and overwhelmtion that I expect from teaching. Yippy. Thanks God. And I think my leadership abilities have been pruned and formed in a good way. I have learned so much about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, how much I need God, and how to rely on Him. Camp, of course, was more to me than that, but I am not going to type about it right now. thanks.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

I'm on my weekend break borrowing Jaws of Life's Mac. Camp is wonderful.

God tends to do this at Pine Cove... PC puts you in a position out of your comfort zone where you are not prepared and dont really know what you're doing and then gives a lot of responsibility in it. So you pretty much cant do it yourself; maybe you can push through a week of it but not 6 wks. You have to rely on God so your faith inescapably grows. Two summers ago it was being a horse wrangler (I had never done anything with horses before that summer's training and I was full time teaching elementary kids how to ride and keeping them safe at camp), now it's working on Chaos. i got here to find out that the girl above me got incredibly sick- pray for her- and had to leave so I got promoted to kitchen director. I have never worked on workcrew at pine cove, nor have I ever really worked in a commercial kitchen style spot in such a time crunch before. so i have 10 or so people under me and i have to tell them what to do and get it all done on time from getting the food on clean dishes within proximity to their forks and getting done all those behind the scenes things that everyone including myself has always thought just magically appears like empty trash cans, toilet paper and filled soap dispensers, and setting up and breaking down tables and decorations. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and pretend like I am not touching something that I am scooping out of a drain or scraping off of a plate with my fingers. haha. It's all wonderfully humbling. Through the experience so far I have had a scary wakeup call that I am mostly glad to have had. I am not as good of a leader as I thought I was. I am not very decisive, consistent, procedural, or precise as the person that does this job really should be. I had to learn the ropes and figure out how the kitchen functions and how each theme night is run this week, so i will give myself a little bit of slack for that, but I am having a rough time and feel slightly discouraged but motivated. I have to be ready to run a classroom in less than a month! All those traits and more are crucial to be an affective teacher. So I am glad that I am realizing this now and getting this practice and preparation for being in a leadership role.
The other thing is my foot. I am having to learn how to express myself in ways other than with my body- which is interesting and slightly confining. Things are going well, I can walk and scurry in the brace now which is so good- I have to ice it 3-4x a day and I epsom salt it and do daily exercises to improve flexibility and I expire and have to elevate it within the last 5 minutes of clean up every meal- good timing. The doc said I wont be able to dance or climb until October. I found myself journaling about how I felt about it the other day and then caught myself learning a lesson. I feel like I am less exciting to the campers and my peers here because I can't jump and dance or run or play frisbee. I wrote down, I don't feel exciting enough.
Would i be more exciting if i could jump and dance? Would that make me more confident? OMG, Does my confidence come from within me?!! My confidence should come from the Lord and be IN the Lord, not myself.
Menomona (a sr counselor) said in a sermon this this week "Your identity determines your activity, your activity does not determine your identity." My identity should be in Christ and not in myself and definitely not in what I do. Well that is an incredible relief actually. I dont have to strive for that myself. And if I do choose to put that burden on myself anyway, then I am not showing Christ to those around me the way that I should. I do not want to be a woman that is that focused on myself or feels like I have to strive to maintain some "adequate" level of self confidence for the rest of my life. And I don't want to grow up to be one of those middle aged women that has overdone hair and makeup and is still upset about looking old and overly concerned with matters of the world or trying to be some sexy trophy wife thing. I want to be a peaceful spirited women filled with the Lord's contentment and joy and peace and pouring that into other people, Centered in God' s grace and truly seeing myself as that beautiful woman that God made me, not worried about my external appearance or how "exciting" i am coming off as, and supported by a man that uplifts me in those things. I am praying about this- i am far from attaining it. So camp is a blessing. and the girls that I am working with are so splendidly wonderful beautiful blessing women of God! Oh I so excite to be here! Okay I love you all. Have a wonderful week!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Happy July 4th

Mom took fire work pictures for the newspaper tonight (she's a photographer and sports writer). So I tagged along and took some shots too. It was fun- very fourth of Julyish. Sitting itchy in the middle of a flat field. kids and toddlers running around squealing in the dark- so dark that the only reason I knew when that one little boy ran by was by his light up Reeboks. The tone of their squealing changed once the show started. I think parents like it when their kids cling to them every time there's a bang. Like how boys like it when girls cling to them in scary movies. I still like doing the clinging (but not on my mom). The banging is thrilling, the bright colorful ones pop like bubble gum then wilt groundward like Fraggle hairdos. But I especially like the lingering ones that look more like chandeliers suspended from the Beauty and the Beast ballroom ceiling. Those bang first then fizzle and crackle like pop rocks in your mouth until they fade out or are interrupted. Their gray-haze skeletons float away in a train and are reilluminated by the flickers that follow it. I wonder what the scene looks like from an airplane. I bet the bright round ones look like overdecorated birthday cupcakes in a disappearing act- all pit-a-patching below. That would be fun, but I would rather take a crick in my neck from looking up than one from looking down any day. Hey, did you know that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? Have a happy Fourth of July. Oh- we took a picture of a white firework bursting while a green stream was shooting under it and it looked like a giant dandelion. that excited me definitely.


I sent wonderful Dana a text message that said, "I classified myself today. I am a sitting indian style in a coffee shop with a flower in my hair kind of a girl. And you, you are a doing a toe touch on a scottish highland hilltop with a flower in your hair kind of a girl. Both buttercups." She sent me one back, "I think that is above perfection. Though both should be interspersed with various dance moves. Twirls for you, flailing for me." She's adorable.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

"Texan Till I Die" that's a song title

I have too many interests. Mom and I are watching videos of Asleep at the Wheel and Bob Wills': Cherokee Maiden, Boogie Back to Texas, Route 66, San Antonio Rose, Steel Guitar Rag and Hot Rod Lincoln. It reshows me just how much I love this country singing country dancing culture and why would I want to leave? Dang I'm proud to be a Texan. Cowboy hats, ropers and beltbuckles on the streets, horses along the highways, rodeos, dance halls, and popular bars built of wood and rust. we don't snap like new york poets; it's toes tappin and two steppin to guitar pickers, fast fiddlers, skinny bass players and fat banjos twangers. I still think I want to leave for a little while and experience some other places in or out of the US- it's an itch. But I can't imagine not coming back here and I am going to gather every experience I can while I live here this year. Take me to Luchenbach. Take me to Austin. I want to go September 26 to the Austin City Limits Music Festival. Asleep at the Wheel is playing at noon and I'm really think I may get a sub- you can do that guiltlessly t[w][hr]ice a semester. Oh take me to a downtown dive for South Austin Jug Band accompanied by twilight sangria.

"I am only one, but I am one." -J.R. Miller

I was looking for something specific but found it not. mostly because I got distracted by other ones. Ones about you know what- not the ones I was looking for. Either way, I enjoyed reading through them. It is strange to still be able to see two-year-old tear stains on journal pages and to read through life goals that are still just as blurry as they were then and through sin and temptation struggles that are still just as prevalent. On a lighter note, the same little things still excite me. And I have written the same three disney princess song lyrics at least five times in the last seven years and they still woo me and get stuck in my head just as much as they did when I was 17. I actually wrote some pretty deep stuff when I was in high school. Those journals are usually neat to look at. They alternate Jesus fanatic journal, boy-crazy journal, good research and lots of Bible studies journal, boy-crazy silly-girl journal, prayerful and thoughtful journal, day dreamer girl journal. It's like that merry-go-round in Caldwell city park; a different color on each slice of the ever spinning metal pie. Luckily I don't get nauseated. Almost all of the old ones are quite creative. I decorated the exteriors myself and filled them with colorful sketches and magazine clippings, and bold markers emphasize inspirational quotes or personal thoughts. 11th grade. "I am only one, but I am one." -J.R. Miller. me: I can't do everything, but I can do something; what I can do, I ought to do, and what I ought to do, I will do." I guess now would be a good time to go read The Purpose Driven Life, but I'm not going to. I can apply that thought to how I choose to approach working at camp this summer and, of course, to my teaching next year. I will not be able to do everything for all of my students. But I certainly have my place doing something and I ought to do that with all my might without expecting it of myself to do everything. I tend to expect that and then I end up feeling this guilt and inadequacy that is in every way detrimental to my actions, choices, and inner being related and unrelated to both- that is if you look at the subsequent actions and choices as results of the inner feelings. I can't determine whether the inner ones are conscious or subconscious, and I think they are purely neither but partly both. Certianly, I could do a better job of consciously choosing not to. Anyway. So I feel like a person about to be drawn and quartered between four Quarter horses. No, let's make one of them an Arabian. A white arabian horse with some ugandan name like Tito or Yuwer. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about teaching in Dallas and being here with my family this school year! I feel vonderful about it, but I don't think I want to stay here- do I? Tito pulls me to an unknown and uncomfortable place where I can live like mother Teresa and not care about men and being held by one or attended to emotionally. (honestly though I don't think i was programmed that way and i think that there is a reaso for that) Then there's Stanley, a brown Sorrel (solid colored light brown), he doesn't pull but just stands still and stubborn (more like a fat-butt mule)and holds me here in dallas for years to come and lills me into a semi-longing to find my niche in a little community and drink coffee with the same five people every morning for the next ten years. I fear that. Maybe some day this life will satisfy me- it sounds safe but do I want safe? After watching the movie, Into the Wild today, no, I don't want safe. But I'll feel differently tomorrow and differenter the day after that. If I have learned anything the last three months, it's how different my differently is from the differenter differents. Professor Higgins is half Thoroughbred. Those are tall, slim, English horses mostly used for racing. I want to move to england or scotland and be a tour guide in some city that sparks my creativity and artistry and love of tea and coffee and poetry and literature and Music. I would travel around and practice all those accents and meet people and wear my British caps and layer cardigans in the cold. I'd get lonely sooner than I think I would. Sometimes I crave-long-ache for a companion to make these decisions with. I've been reading Tolstoy's "Family Happiness" Part 1 Chapter 5, "He said to me, 'Now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor -- such is my idea of happiness. And then, on the top of all that, you for a mate, and children perhaps -- what more can the heart of man desire?' 'It should be enough,' I said." Sometimes, I don't mind the idea of being just me and exploring myself a little longer and serving God in a very different and less restrained way like Paul talks about in what, 1 Corinthians 7? I suppose it really doesn't matter what I want because companionship is not the decision of one person but of two and if the second party is not interested then you are alone no matter how cravey your consciously or subconsciously choose to be. My grandfather said the other day, that he doesn't understand love. That it comes up whether you want it to or not with a person that you want it to be there with or not and once you get it , you can't shake it off like nothing. It's like pullin all the fibers off a cotton seed or suckin all the cotton candy residue off your fingers then gettin the rest of it off of the roof of your mouth with your tongue. The first one will make your hands bleed and the second one is a plague of stickiness. I haven't told about the forth horse yet. She's a quarter horse and she tugs west. West. To an American, west doesn't mean just "west" it means frontier, discovery, and the uncomfortable unknown and adventure and probably a bit of a hard time. I KNOW i want adventure. I know that I know that what i am wanting is adventure. what the heck is adventure? well the truth is i am really not sure. i guess that it is something that i feel like i am not having right now. well what is that? certainty? I have been living in uncertainty for so long and I still felt this desire throught that. Is it to be out of Texas? is adventure in Santa Fe or in some Utah national park or ski resort. i see, it must be outdoors. yep. When i think of adventure i think of rock climbing and hiking boots and tank tops and highway 1 and tall trees on tall mountains and the cold pool at the base of a secluded waterfall and my bouldering pad laying on the ground next to my clothes by the water. I want to tent camp on the beach north of Bodega Bay, walk deep into the narrows in Zion Canyon till i'm too tired to walk all the way back but do it anyway, to hike into those hotsprings south of Vegas and try lead climbing on a eagle shaped rock in Yosemite, i want to kayak somewhere anywhere and watch horses canter over slopes where the wind makes the yellow grass look more like water to launch that kayak into, then make pottery in an old tshirt at night when the crickets are churping so loud that you cant hear the one and only car horn in the distance, surrounded by photos of people i love doing crazy things and sketches of odd things that I saw or thought up. I want to watch thunderstorms from someone elses covered porch and listen to stories to tell my students when I am an old teacher.
Can I do it all? I want to live several lives. I doubt I'll be drawn and quartered. Will i stay in this state of limbo for years to come? This year, maybe. Soon, one rope will yank me harder than the others and that is the direction i will go. a few years later, will i look back regretfully? Or will i be glad? Oh does it matter? I will be glad. And you're right, I do have a lot more life to live than I seem to think I do. Just don't strap myself down. I know this is going to sound completely different from what i just wrote and it is going to make it all sound so faithless and silly, but here's some John Wesley. Advice to self perhaps. "I found that the chief purpose of prayer in determining the will of God is to get my will in an unprejudiced state about the issue at hand. Then, when my will is unprejudiced, I find that God suggests reason to my mind concerning the proper course." Strap yourself not to a horse or a mule. Psalm 32:8-9.
please give me a comment on this one.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

over the meadow and through the woods, a board game, and red skillet.

Dad and I just went on a 2 hour motorcycle ride. We drove north over the meadow and through the woods and beside the lake and upon the hills at dusk. It was wonderful. We talked about salvation and missions and lifegoals and reasonability of life goals and about men. and about how confusing women must be. Late last night, I sat out on the front porch with a bowl of cereal and rocked in the rocking bench while I watched a spectacular, cloud-muffled thunderstorm to my left. It was lovely; i treasured the time; i felt a little lonely, so i let the dog out to sit with me. I just beat Mom and Carter's tales at Monopoly. Which is more impressive than you think because I am usually horrible at strategy games. I sauteed squash and tomatoes that my grandma brought us from her garden. Yes, I sauteed tomatoes. It was good and I felt creative. Drank red wine while i did it. Rich, Smooth, and Oaky and as relaxing as a hot bath in goats milk surrounded by cinnamon cented candles with sequoia trees shadows and a doe or two outside the quadruple paned window.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

I'm in Dallas. Sorting things out ^2. My foot is improving- MRI came back that I didn't tear those ligaments afterall. A pretty-darn-bad sprain and bone bruise. So I am still in the bigblackboot and I can walk around in it almost comfortably but still utilize the crutches for long distances. I'm heading to camp Saturday morning! El Gaupo just assigned me to the Arts and Crafts and Dance class mix, so I won't have to be juking campers or anything. I'm so glad! The thing about beinga chaos coordinator is that you dont get any-on-one time to get to know campers like counselors do, but with this activity class, I will get to be with girls everyday and get to know them a bit! I'm excited about that. So I'll pobably be in the boot for the first week or so and then i can move to the ankle brace which I'll be wearing for about four weeks. good good amen.

For now, though, I am in Dallas sorting. Oh I have a song stuck in my head. The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson. Go listen to it. Paige and Dan danced their first dance to it and it has successfully made me think. I am really pretty good at thinking on my own though. I just like songs and poems and quotes and such to prompt it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Longing to discover what I'm longing for

I am listening to the Women's Breakaway sermon from 2007 (again- you'd think I'd learn by now) and the speaker, Christy Nockles (sp?) is amazing. She tells me all these things that I know yet do not know about myself as a woman and when I hear it I get excited and cry at the same time. I'll quote her a little bit, "As women, inside of us is this longing- an insatiable need for validation, for adoration, for affirmation, for affection, for devotion. And we are like 'Where is that coming from?!'" So True. Wow. Where is it coming from? Should I seek it out? Where should I seek it? From a man or from God? God put these longings in us. We need to look to Him to meet the God needs. Later, she quotes Stacey Eldridge's discussion about women in relationships, (author of Captivating and wife of John Eldridge, author of Wild at Heart (which I have read actually)), "Women are plagued with the lie that we are too much and not enough all at the same time." Christy elaborates, "We think, I'm too much emotionally. I'm overbearing him. I'm too much AND Oh I'm not enough for him. He must not be satisfied with me. I'm not enough."
Wow is that true or what- oh how insightful. I guess that is why I cling so much to reassuring words and am so thrown by any negative ones, because I live in this fear and taunting of this confidence-killing lie even when I do receive the most encouraging and reassuring of compliments and gestures. I feel like I am not enough- not pretty enough, not funny or creative enough, not smart enough or compitant enough- mostly not pretty enough. Then, when I get upset about a negative word or lack of a supportive one, I feel like I am overbearingly emotional and should not say how I feel because I am incapable of just being normal for once and I should pretend to be fine because if I pretend, then maybe I will be... We need to know that we are "enough" for God and let Him be enough for us. Also, I think, we need to not be so self-centered that being self-satisfied is such a high priority. (not that a loving man should not understand this about women and offer her supportive loving words, because that is what loving men should do, but if a woman depends on those words to evaluate her worth, she will NOT be fullyfulfilled.)
Christy also talked about how In life, we have desires in us that are set there by a holy God- deep deep longings- and we have hopes and dreams for things like having a fulfilled life. Christy says that "Hope diferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I am misplacing my longings and putting them in things and persons that will never be able to fulfill them. Christy adds that, "By posturing our hearts to look to God to meet the God needs and acknowledging that He alone can meet them, we've positioned ourself for the next posture: fulfillment." I will never feel fulfilled if I keep chasing the things that I am chasing and longing for the things that I am stretching and reaching for. Psalm 38:9 "Oh Lord, All of my Longing is before you and even my sighing is not hidden from you." God sees every need, every disappointment, every hope deferred that caused us sickness, grief, or pain. We ask, Lord what are you doing with my life? Where am I going? Why have you put all these hopes and dreams in me? How do I quench this longing? I feel like I am stagnant, sitting still, and I don't know what to do with this. All my longing is before You.

Ps 107:9, Ps 145:16, Ps 38:9

If you want to listen to the sermon, make sure you listen to Women's Breakaway '07, not '08. '08 is good too, but pretty different.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I"m employed

I'm teaching US History to 11th graders at in Garland ISD/ NE Dallas.

They are the Naaman Rangers. The mascot looks like a hunter green Sarge!

First Varsity football game is August 29th!

NFHS is built on a 62.13 acre site, which backs up to a natural forest preserve on one side and can be seen through the trees from the George Bush Turnpike on the other side. Opened in 1988; 5A serving 2,521 students; actually named after a Bible character in 2 Kings 5 (An Assyrian general who is healed of leprosy). The principal is a Christian and so is the AP directly over me! He ended our phone conversatoin this morning with "Thanks and God Bless. Welcome to the Naaman family." Cool huh?

I report to work Wednesday, August 13. Not sure yet what day school starts. Whoop.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

2 Corinthians 4:18 "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Spider House Coffee, Latin, and No Sangria

9:30 AM.I'm wearing that thrift store redbird shirt and the Haworth thrift store oldman plaid authentic british driving cap. Rings, bracelets, tasseled necklace, and dangly fair trade earrings. lipstick. my hair is pinned up inside the cap like Joan of Arc and I like it. I feel like I fit in here in Austin pretty well today. Most of the people here dress and talk artsy, paint and instrumentalize artsily. I like it but the life-style that tends to be the backbone of such liberal outward appearance deters me from wanting to live here. I wouldn't mind living near here and visiting town and the hills. Anyway, I am glad I'm here now- it's an all-day-seclude-Heather-in-a-foreign-coffeeshop Latin Work Day. (I was in town for Paige's wedding) My choice workshop location is the Spider House near downtown. Old death-purple wooden house half-hidden by trees with a three tiered patio and a bounty of sweet eugene-style antiques and ridiculus yard art, those 1970s fat colored christmas lights and chairs and tables of coordinating puke colors. I am settled in booth that must have started in a 1950s diner somewhere on the second patio with my bound foot elevated on an orange puke chair. halfway done with my undercooked cinnamon roll (i like them that way) and sipping an odd but good south american herbal tea late. I'll eat lunch here too. Had I company, I'd try their sangria at twilight. Oh I would love that. What a cool atmosphere. I should make up a new adjective to describe it. any suggestions? The day is heating up, I liked it best when the air was still dewey and brisk. Now for sweaty Latin. have a nice day.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I drew a big flower in my journal. half the petals were attached and half had been pulled off. It seems to me that the "he loves me. he loves me not. he loves me. he loves me not." petal-plucking game that girls play should be a thoughtful dream stage not a semi-annual reality sequence. I would rather heave one giant devoted breath at a dandelion to watch the one and only, first and last explosion of irreversible certainty than play a perpetual, callus-building, real-life, painful petal-plucking game.

Disney princesses: In the Little Mermaid, Ariel plays it before the Under the Sea song scene. In Beauty and the Beast, Belle sings, "I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can tell..." as she sends a whole patchworth of dandelion seeds flying then twirls around encompassed by them and the wind in the pink twilight. I think it is a pretty scene. I watched it today.

Last summer, I sketched a bulbous dandelion head into one of my england journals. I had been reading poetry about the Lady of Ascolot (aurthurian legend character) who was compared to a "wild rose and meadow flower." I thought, "well, that is lovely and sounds awfully romantic, but i'm not that. I am more like a dandy lion, free spirited, adventurous, and soaring." I feel connected to those.

hey did you know that the word dandelion is actually from old french, Den de lion meaning "teeth of the lion" teeth= den as in dental.

I was flipping through England journals and found this pasted in one

I didn't write this. Nick Thorn did about a year ago and he emailed it to me while i was in englad. I was pleased to come upon it so I thought I'd copy and paste it here because I dont think Nick would mind. Nick, may I quote you?

"I have this weird fascination with windshield wipers. For some reason when driving and cars have their wipers on, it makes me chuckle. While driving back from St. Louis in May, it rained all the way from Texarkana to Dallas. Watching my wipers and those of other cars got me thinking. An ideal relationship would work like a set of windshield wipers on a car. There are two things working together to get one common goal accomplished. As the wipers rise up from the bottom of the windshield, the one on the passenger side moves water to the middle of the windshield, while the drivers side wiper moves water off of the car. When the drivers' side wiper comes down, it takes the water left by the passenger wiper down to the bottom. Each wiper has it's own identity and area to work on, but they work harmoniously together to accomplish the same goal: making sure you can see the road while driving. This analogy made me think of a Venn Diagram in math (you know the one with the circles that overlap in the middle?) Well, Venn Diagrams are like a relationship. You have person A and person B. For the two to relate, they need to have some things in common, but also must maintain their individual personalities. If there is too much in common (friends, co-workers, etc...) than there is no individual traits remaining to distinguish personalities. (Also, you could relate that as one circle overlaps another, there isn't equal control in the relationship thus someone becomes a control freak and dilutes the other's personality.)

I hope these make sense, because they make sense in my head but I needed to get them out and I figured you would appreciate them. Take care and be safe in England. Say "Howdy" to the queen for me :)

God bless,

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I'd rather either blow really hard at the dandelion or put it in a vacuum and not look at it anymore. Pulling individual spores sounds less dramatic than it would be.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

apples in pasta- pretty good actually

dinner was curious like normal. I have too many apples so I mixed them into yet another dish of butter and assorted white-cheesified pasta because when you are single, you have to eat from the same packages like 5 times before you run out. good for things that don't expire fast but bad for things like sandwich making stuff (i ate the same sandwich 6 days in a row until things started expiring). Anyway the apples were pretty good in there. I lined the rim of my green Aladdin and Jasmine childhood plate like a flower with the other half of the apple, crispy and cold. pogo hopped into the living room with it, since we don't have a table here, and iced my foot while I ate and finally watched Once. i like it. A very different kind of love story; not really a love story actually; something sort of love-like with a pretty different kind of ending. No, not "A lot like Love" or "Love Actually," neither of which I have seen. "Once," Aptly named.

ligaments and tendons

news is better than bad. Detached two ligaments around my ankle bone but those don't require surgery and should heal quickly- like 2-3 weeks they will be strong enough to walk with a little ankle brace. Tendons look promising, but he is not sure because it is still so inflamed. I had nearly convinced myself that that lump in my mid-leg was a bundle of snapped tendon(s) being that I felt two pops when I fell and it looked very weird, but he guesses that it is high swelling and blood that hasn't fallen down my leg yet because i have had compression on it constantly. So it wont surgery and 6 months to recoup like i feared. Ya'll should see how purple my leg is. the edges are fading into green now, but it truly looks like the aurora borealis on my leg running from toe to heel and heel to mid-leg and even rapping around to my arch oh and my toes are speckled purple and pink and so puffy it looked like a form of elephantitis for a few days. He'll look at it again next monday... for now i am in a snazzy boot that I can push a button on and it airs up like Nike Air Jordan tennis shoes except they don't help my running and jumping. still can't put pressure on it, so I'm on crutches for a while longer. I hitch rides from wesleyites when i'm running late. this boot is too big to keep wearing my prettifying ankle bracelets- I'll have to make one. He said I should be hopeful about being able to work at camp in 3 weeks(where my job description is to run around), but I probably shouldn't be the ultimate frisbee coach. haha. no juking and probably minimal spinning and landing jitt moves with impact on feet or bouldering for that matter (I messed it by falling while bouldering) for a while-alota-quite. So i don't know if my most recent performance was my last or if I can still get in a few in August. ultimately, good news- that and i didn't climb the route the way felix does because his head is below his body at one point and falling on that is oh just a little worse than your foot right?

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Hymn 467: Trust and Obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey.

John 2:1-12. Jesus was at this wedding in Cana and they ran out of wine. oh no. So Mary, his mom, asked Jesus to take care of it. He initially said, "Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not come." She basically ignored him and told the servants to do whatever Jesus told them to do. He told them to fill several 20-30 gallon jars with water. So "They filled them to the brim." They obeyed unquestioningly. I'd say it is comparable to God telling Noah to build a boat on dry land. Would you not say, "What? We are out of WINE, yet you want us to fill these with water...?" They did not ask such questions, they just did it. Next, Jesus told them, "Now draw some out and take it to the master of the feast." So "They took it." It doesn't say that they tested the drink, sniffed or investigated it, they just "took it." I'll elaborate on this later- i want to finish the story. After the servants brought out the wine, the master asked the bridegroom why he had kept the best wine for last, usually the good wine is served first and the poor wine last after everyone has been drinking for a while. haha.
Have the obedience of a servant with unflagging faith in his master. The servants at Cana just did what Jesus said, even though it made no sense and they didn't know why they were doing it. But they didn't care, they were selfless servants made to serve, ("You are not your own. You were bought with a price." 1 Corinth. 6:20.) Then Jesus turned the jars of water into wine! Need he perform miracles for me to believe in Him? When he tells you to do something, don't just do it, fill it to the brim because your faith is so steadfast, not just halfway as if buffering a hazard. As Pine Cove workers would say, "Bump the Lamp." Read James 1 about Faith. I have another example. Acts 8:26-40. Philip was not a literal servant to a master like the jar fillers, but he obeyed the command of the Angel of the Lord like a servant. God told him to "Rise and go to [this road in this desert]" without reason or explanation. The next sentence looks like those written about the servants at Cana and about David in 1 Samuel 23: 2-5 & 9-13 and 2 Samuel 5:19-20 and 23-25. "And he rose and went." Faith. When he was on the road he came upon a chariot. The Angel of the Lord said, "Go over and join this chariot." "So Philip ran to it." He ran. He didn't tiptoe around the chariot and investigate it to see if the guy in it looked shady or unsafe. He ran; that means he went without hesitation. The man in the chariot was reading the book of Isaiah, and asked him to explain the story to him; so Philip explained Isaiah's prophesies, shared the gospel, and baptized the guy. Cool! God used Philip because Philip was willing to make himself an unquestioning servant, obeying God's commands without hesitation or any need for logical explanation; and he did not wait for further preparation. As soon as God said "go," he went. Oswald Chambers writes to us on in the Feb. 20 devo of My Utmost for His Highest, "Dreaming about things to do them properly is right, but dreaming about them when you should be doing is wrong... Always beware of giving over to mere dreaming once God has spoken. Leave Him to be the source of all your joys and dreams and delights, and go out and obey what He has said. If you are in love, you do not sit down and dream about the one you love all the time, you go and do something for her; and that is what Jesus Christ expects us to do. Dreaming after God has spoken is an indication that we do not trust Him." Philip was not his own and he did not presume to live as if he was. This is what it is to live as a servant. We have to be willing to be used in seemingly odd and often times risky ways in order to be really used. Listen, trust, and obey.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Today I had a baseball surgically implanted in my ankle.

not really. So I was attacking this V.2 bouldering route on the rock wall at approx 8:30pm... I had worked my way up about 12 or 13 feet and had just finished a cross over and a practical split to the far left. My arms and legs were spread out like a jumping jack at an upward angle with my hands on an outward sloping lower lip. I reached straight up for the second from the last hold and I touched it but my hand slipped off as I initiated the grab and well, the falling through the air part was pretty fun, but I landed and collapsed onto my left foot. It hit the edged of the mat and slipped off to the floor rolling over quitalotabit. I thought I had broken it, but hey I didn't according the rec clinic dude. I may hit up a doctor tomorrow to be safe. right now, my foot is being iced and elevated on the couch armrest. I'm sleeping here tonight. Oh and I bought some snazzy crutches. I can swing pretty far on them which I guess is pretty cool. getting up early to swing to class. yay.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

reading my blog

today i went back and read the things that i wrote about last june. i was excited. haha. particularly june 15. i wrote a little on there about me as a woman dressing up pretty and i cant decide if i am supporting or contradicting myself in what i wrote about that the other day. i think i go through stages. i'll probably write something completely different from both of those next june. i'm wearing makeup again and i think i'll wear a dress tomorrow. i get excited about the idea of wearing a dress. tehe i feel cute right now.

The Five Love Languages. I was thinking about it sitting in Poor Yoriks because thinking happens to me when I'm there

I'm doing good. I'm having fun this summer. Sometimes I run around and just live without thinking. Sometimes when I stop to think or think on accident, I think excitedly and sometimes disappointedly. I'm excited about being where I am right now and doing what I am doing right now and I am excited about whatever it is that is coming next. Wahoo. this is a portion of what I have learned so far: Relationships take careful attention and you can't just do what you want or say what you want or not say what you don't feel like saying. You have to think. Think about what the other person both needs to hear and needs to not hear. As for me, I didn't say enough. I have been thinking about this theory about five love languages. Different people give and receive love in different ways: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Touch, and Gifts. Couples really need to be able to communicate with each other about what they are thinking and feeling and what their opinions and preferences and needs are pretty consistently- as in not for a while and then coasting for a few months. Coasting/ little effort= bad results. You have to understand how the other person receives and shows affection so that you can provide what he/she needs and understand the signals that he/she is giving you. If he receives love through Words of Affirmation, then once you recognize that he is giving affection in whatever way he gives it, then you ought to verbally recognize what he has done for you as a way of giving love to him. Does that make sense or does it just sound overly sappy? I didn't give enough of that. Dana gave me some examples back in May: one of her mom's primary love languages is Words of Aff. but Dana's dad is horrible with words and does not know how to express his feelings with them at all. His love language is mostly Acts of Service. He would love Mrs. Dana's Mom by washing her car for her, fixing things around the house, cooking dinner for her, and taking care of the kids. But she would cry sometimes saying, "He never tells me I'm beautiful. He seldom tells me he loves me. I don't feel loved." But all the while he is loving her so completely and she doesn't realize it. That must be a very weird, deep level of oblivious frustration. Likewise, he potentapossiprobably doesn't feel much of her affection when she gives him affirming words, but might complain that she doesn't take care of him as much as he would like to feel taken care of. Maybe he wants her to make him cookies or something, but she doesn't feel like she is loving him by Serving him in that way even though it is really what he needs to feel loved. People need to observe and communicate to figure these things out about each other and then, once each understands how the other person communicates affection, they can love each other, well, better; And sometimes, that is going to take sacrifices like baking even though that doesn't mean the same thing to the giver as it does to the receiver, and offering Affirming words to lift the other up and make him feel big manly needed and important, also it'll help with problems like not over giving and over giving till your exhausted and feel unappreciated or taken advantage of in an area that doesn't mean to that person what it means to you. That can make you frustrated when really, they just are not receiving the love signal that you are trying so hard to give and you might get burned out. Then again, he or she needs to see that the other is giving instead of letting them feel that way. No matter what you do, when you are receiving love, you cannot let it turn into an expectation. It is hard to keep offering love when your style of giving no longer thrills or blesses the relationship.
Not that those are "words from the wise," but that is what I have been thinking about lately and I think it makes good sense.
There's a Christian book about this called "The Five Love Languages." I have only talked to people who have read it, but I think I'll read and use it later.

wesley, hip-hop, and fake rocks. nothing deep.

It's what we've all been waiting for. They finally started the road construction outside of wesley. You walk out the door and feel like you are in a prison where ever you turn because the tall wire fences surround you. But a happy prison because hey, it's wesley. The wooden pickets on the far end of the parking lot have been bulldozed to create our new asphalt entrance and you have to drive through the catholic parking lot behind the subway to get to University Left.
Hip-hop is so fun. The instructor is a Fade-to-Black guy. I cannot figure out how he moves the way he does. I really want to be able to do something at least somewhat like that. It looks like there is so much freedom within him and he can just totally express himself and whatever he is feeling. But no matter how hard I try, I will just never be black. I got the routine down and it is pretty fun, but I don't think Fade to Black would let me on the team. Haha.
I rock climbed for while-alota-quite today. They set up a 12' boulder out the rec by the pool. It is pretty sweet. No marked routes and quite a few naturals. I topped out on it twice barefooted, but I couldn't do a natural only climb. I bouldered a bit on the other wall before I left and got the guys working it to teach me some new techniques. Then they let me help them close it up, which was interesting but if anybody knows me, they know I can do few things without screwing up some small thing along the way. So, of course, I didn't tie a rope tight enough when we were taking them down and one end feel with the other one caught up top. Oops. They were nice to me about it. They'll have to lead climb to get it in the morning. I'll be up there to meet up with Stephanie again tomorrow. Think I'm taking a lead climbing clinic in a few weeks.
Carter is a sophomore in high school as of today.
I'm very tired. The last few entries have not had the words "I think" in them. I'm tired.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I got chalk on the key board

Baty and I did legs and abs today but then I went rock climbing so I got arms and shoulders in too! I climbed with Stephanie. I like her. I think if now were two years ago and we were both her age, we would be good buds. I climbed two 5.9s and two 5.10s. There were two camo tape routes that I was working on in the cave before finals and I just couldn't get myself over the lip then, but today I got both on my first try! I mantled twice in a row and successfully utilized a heel hook. I was pretty proud of myself and am now oh so excited. I must confess that I did fall once toward the top out. Craggies are heading to the hill country to outdoor climb on Saturday. I'll be spinning in GRW 266 though for "that dirty bird" as Kyle Baily would call it. So my awesomely large trunked jetta wont be toting their bouldering pads.

I have an interview @ 2:00pm Monday with Garland ISD in NE Dallas suburbia.
And I got a job offer today from Spring ISD N Houston, but I don't think I'm going to take it. That might be a regretful move. I wish they would ask me later. But that's just how it goes. Prayer.
I want to go dancing.
My hiphop class was postponed to wednesday. sad me.
I'm going rock climbing with steph tomorrow. I found my gear. glad me.
Still working out daily. Like it alot. Baty is accompanying me tomorrow.
Spent two hours in starbucks today. Conversed with a Muslim and an unreligious guy that knows alot about alot of religions. interesting
I want to listen to a live band the next time I drink coffee. with dim lights. but I doubt I will.
I bought heavy whipping cream to try to replicate British coffee, still cant do it.
Went to wesley last night. max used me being murdered as an example in his sermon. we met in the lounge instead of the sanctuary and it made for a cozy atmosphere. live band there- i can take unbritish coffee with me there.
got an interview with Garland ISD in NE Dallas sometime next week. excited.
first test is tomorrow. ah.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

In additoin to the Identity Misplacement entry (second half of a few entries back)

Women do enjoy dressing up. We play dress up when we are little girls then run up to daddy and ask, "do I look beautiful?!" and spin in a circle so that he can watch our skirt twirl. We spend a whole day getting ready for prom and ring dance and take our time to primp before dates. We like to dress up for ourselves and for that special guy and we crave to hear that "Yes, you look gorgeous." What men need to understand about women is that we want to give that- us fixing ourselves up for him- to him as a gift, not as if meeting a requirement. And it's unrealistic to expect it daily unless they want an uptight, stressed out woman. If it becomes a requirement, then we rebel against him, because whenever we comply to the unappreciated expectation, then eventually, we don't feel like we have something else to offer him to show him that we love him AND/OR we don't feel loved so we don't have as much of an inclination to love him by offering that effort to him. The ladder is probably the bigger issue. It doesn't exactly make us happy when we don't feel like what we are on the inside is adequate for us to deserve full love regardless of how we look on the outside. I don't know if all girls are this way, and and I don't imagine that the guy that I would want to be with would want a girl that was so totally concerned about her outer appearance that she doesn't care about how he views her heart, but I want my man to look inside my heart and be amazed (Bethany Dillon song "Beautiful") and for him to truly feel (not just say what he knows that I want to hear) but truly value me for my inner beauty second to nothing. And then, when I take the time to look prettier than he already thinks I look makeupless in a baggy tshirt and sweat pants, he will treasure that time and be glad that I love him to give that to him.

I want to see the movie, Once. I've been listening to the soundtrack and it plays my style of music. You know how weird coincidences happen sometimes? I was writing the word, "Once," and Sleeping Beauty was playing on my i-Tunes and the prince sang, "I know you, I walked with you ONCE upon a dream..." at the same time that I wrote the word. I got an award at Wesley Formal ONCE for being "the most likely to marry a prince." They wrote it on a cookie cutter Christmas tree piece of construction paper. It's pinned to the top right corner of my big bright cluttered bulletin board.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Today I sat in the trunk of my car (which is big enough to fit two bouldering pads) and stared a bit of Baby's Breath (a little flower that I love- for a good twenty minutes. If I could climb on the roof, I would have gotten up there, but my car is not as tall as my jeep was and this house's roof is a little steep for my liking. If I can help it, I will never have a house with a roof too steep to lay on so that I can gaze at stars and watch racing clouds or to play a guitar assuming I ever finish learning how to play it. Aside from that, the Baby's Breath was pretty and the thinking was helpful.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

So I was cleaning out my ears and I found a sequin in my right one; and identity misplacement

I found a sequin in my right ear today. Anyway, lunch experimentation today was creative. Sandwich: thin slice of honey ham, baby spinach, crisp pair slices, brie cheese on sour dough. I think it would be better on a sweeter bread, but it was pretty good-. the pear was better than just weird. Gala Apple, hard boiled-egg, pineapple orange juice and it filled me up. I signed up for Hip Hop and Latin Dance classes at the rec. exciting. I worked out again today. So I really like it: First the elliptical thingy, then to the mats to stretch every muscle I can think of, do 50 normal crunches, 20 side to sides, and a 20-second leg lift, from there weights followed by a second identical sequence of crunches, walk by the rock wall and talk to Stephanie, locker room, stink in class. I alternate days legs and abs vs. arms and back. Yep. It is funny how when you are treating your body right, it gives you a drive to do it more thoroughly- like getting a water refill instead of grabbing an 80cent Dr. Pepper on class break. working out= eating well. If you do one, then you crave doing the other. Anyway, we will see if this lasts.

Lately, I have been enjoying my cozy clothes wardrobe. Sometimes I'm creative about it, but sometimes I just wear a stinking tshirt and non matching adidas shorts with ballet shoes. It's great. Makeup has been minimal. I feel more confident in myself than I ever have honestly. It is really weird how that works. I could get into a philosphical discussion about it but I have reading today before bed. It's just- since high school, i have put a lot of value, too much value, in how I looked. I don't know if I got it from the media- i didn't read many of those silly girl magazines... or from school friends or what. But my identity was misplaced. Now I feel more secure in how I was made and in what is inside of me instead of my outward appearance. 1 samuel 16:7- "For the Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." Seeing other people in this way is certainly something I am working on; and accepting that I am worth being viewed that way too is another thing I am working on. I don't ever want to go back and I am going to make a careful point to my future daughters (if I have those) and my students in my classroom that they too are more than an object for other people to enjoy looking at (Galatians 1:10 for the Christians) and that their personality and spirituality and gifts and talents and heart totally trump anything that anyone thinks about their outer shell or choice adornment (1 peter 3- do not let your adorning be external... but let your adornment be the hidden person of your heart) and if anyone tells them otherwise, I will advise them to ignore their comments and to not make close friends with that person because that isn't friendship love. You cant be close to someone that you dont care about their opinion/ respect what they think- so if you have to tune out what they say in order to hang out with them, then I wouldn't call that much of a relationship. Perspectives can change though. I pray for that.

My Aunt Karen and Uncle Roger took me to dinner tonight. The company was great- I'm sure they thought I talked too much. I just had a lot to say. I spend a lot of time alone- too much probably. I don't quite feel lonely yet. I will spend all day with wranglers on Saturday though. Will to Love workshop! Oh I'm excited. I'm not working out to look good- I'm working out because I want to be able to up and go and do anything because I am strong with good endurance.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

If you want to see some interesting foreign photography, look at

while i cook

So i am having to figure out timing. last time i made pasta, it was with angel hair noodles and those cooked fast and this time it is penne pasta. That takes longer, of course. So my sauteed shrimp is sitting with a pan that is bigger than the pan that it is in on top of it. yes i just used that many i_ words in a row and you might have had to read it twice. So I am watching the penne boil and watching Shaun Groves music videos online. I would be testing out the food network but the architecture of this house is not so fortunately situated. Oh I am subleasing from a nice girl that I do know and living with her two interesting roommates that I dont know. I will get to know them but they both have tall boyfriends that live in town so I dont expect to get much of their attention. and I can't wear whatever i want around the house bcause they are here a lot. that's fine. ou I burned my pinky finger on the pasta that i was testing. eat.

That was pretty darn good. how exciting! I have left overs. I'm drinking some Awake Tea that I found in the Berkeley house while i was cleaning it out. Yep yep. now I am going to read my thrilling reading textbook. I am taking a class about reading. class: 8am-noon and 2:00-4:00 except fridays when the second on does not meet. It's sort of like a job. Speaking of jobs. I think I'm going to go ahead and apply to about 10 more schools. The economy is crazy and districts are 30to60 days behind in hiring. 13/23 of my Social Studies Teaching class do not have jobs and four more are "complicated." It was a little comforting to hear that I am not an outcast.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

year old email cut and pasted

Heatherpaige to hooter10 (wayne)
show details 7/20/07 Reply

Lord, who is this man
who steals my thoughts,
teases my dreams,
and treasures me so?
Is my heart gullable and he just coaxing me? He coaxes me certainly but unless coaxing is wrong, do I mind?
I toss the idea of him around in my head
or rather pretend to toss it-- truly I cannot because my heart is most frustratingly constant.
I try to ignore it,
then I try to fight it,
and I can only do the latter.
now fighting does not mean winning and I wonder,
Who do I want to win it?
Him. I hope he wins.

Friday, May 23, 2008

"What you think about will be what you long for and what you long for will be what you chase after." Ben Stuart

"Hold every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5

"Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:34

If you spend your time thinking about the Lord in daily Bible study and godly conversation in fellowship, He is what you will long for-for a relationship and for understanding of His scriptures and of Himself and for discernment of His will for your life-and when He is what you LONG for, really long for, you will chase after Him every chance you get!
On the otherhand, if you spend your time thinking on your jealousy, or the next time you can get drunk, or about how good you look, or how people view you/ your own reputation, or selfish ambition, or about sex or porn, these things you will chase after.

Check out Galatians 5:16-26 and then Ephesians 4:17-24. But dont think about it as longing for or chasing morality. Success in this area is not attained by longing to be righteouss, that is a mere side effect of thinking about/longing for/chasing after Him and a result of grace.

Pray "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-4

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

cliff jumping, anti-drowning body surf practice, and MOTORCYCLING!

Today I hiked in the rain forest again, this time it rained while we were in there so it was more humid and more cool and the colors just seemed so much brighter. I really like it. We went to Waihamia Bay and cliff jumped off of a 30 foot rock into the blueblue ocean. That was pretty much amazing- did it over and over. Then we body surfed on the biggest waves I have ever been in for about an hour. We'd wait for a big wave (which were frequent), run with it and free style swim just as it broke over us and it would sweep us I don't know how dang many yards up the beach, giving sand abrasions along the way, then sucking us all the way back down to where we were swallowed by the next one. I learned that you have to get your feet under you as fast as you can between waves or else you will be sucked underneath the next one and whirled around in the sand and the salt and other bodies. When that happens, it feels like how the Little Mermaid looked when Ursula first gave her her legs deep under the water and she is fumbling trying to find which way is up and how the heck to get there. Happened to me twice- I was lost and upside down then sideways and sand swirls around me like a wet dust storm, actually, to make another disney comparison it is like Pocahontas when she is singing Colors of the Wind and the wind sweeps through her hair and it is everywhere around and above her head and in her face and full of dirt and leaves and small birds. Like that but I can't sing underwater, especially salt water. At one point, the sand went through my nose and I spat it out of my mouth from the back of my throat, my hair was everywhere and sand is sure to be falling out of it for days, then there is the bathing suit situation- it would awkwardly fill with sand and with the tossing of the wave and my uncontrollable rolling, I couldn't straighten it as soon as I would have liked. This was funny to watch happen to other people and then to sympathize with them laughingly afterward.
We= AmandaP Christi Brandon Blake Greg Stacey Laura Derek Emily. We road Harley motorcycles up there! EWWEEE! Honestly, I would have preferred to have been with my daddy, but the view was just beautiful. Driving the same roads int the little Tracker two days before was not even comparable. One moment will stand out in my memory for the rest of my life. Amanda was on Stacey's soft tail and I was on Greg's fatboy; we were on Highway 63 between two tunnels and after yelling and whooping through the tunnel with our arms spread wide like soaring birds we were launched out on the side of a lush green oddly shaped mountain over looking a dozen other ones like it and a deep valley with the blueblue ocean in the distance. The air was cool and misty on our faces and breathing never felt so good. It triggered all my senses but my taste buds. Selah.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Hawaii II

So yesterday was pretty much amazing here in paradise where mongoose run like squirrels. We rented a little 1996 convertible Geo Tracker for cheap and drove the full circumference of the island of Oahu with half a tank of gas. Amanda P, Steve, and Greg and me- we stuck the boys in the back seat for the first half of the trip because the trip was our idea. first, we hiked through a rainforest to a 200 foot waterfall. yea, we did. Thick, green, lush vegetation, bright flowers, exotic birds, a random bamboo forest along the way, and some GIANT vine-covered trees! Amanda and I climbed several trees- one that was not so tall, was a mass mess of multi-branch madnesss and we hopped around in there as if we were little chipmunks in a bush and dangled for some pictures. Another one had some tight thick vines on it so we acted out a video like we were being hunted by a velosiraptor (which Greg did an excellent impression of) and then we took off running and scampered up the tree fast as we could- quite entertaining. The third tree looked like the one in Furn Gully! If you have not seen Furn Gully, then go rent it now, because it is one of my favorite movies and if you love me, you will watch it. Anyway- It was magnificently tall and covered- like really I mean covered in layers of woody vines. So Amanda and I climbed about 60 feet into it and could see far and wide. I think we got a little more than halfway up it, high enough that my mother would have been panicked that I was climbing without a rope. When we got as high as we wanted, we pretended to be the kids in Jurassic Park when the long neck dinosaur sneezes on the girls face in the tree. It reminded me of that scene. And we considered going and getting the tracker and hoisting it parallel with the tree so that Amanda and I could reenact that scene where they run out of the tree and hit the ground just were the jeep doesn't crush them. But we didn't buy insurance on it, so we decided not to. Coming down, I could shimmy down the vines with my back to the trunk so that if I fell, it wouldn't be a deathly plummet. We were pretty proud of ourselves. Um, next, we visited several beaches, one of which had the clearest blue water I have eva seen. And the waves were bigger than the ones by our commercialized hotel zone so I could body surf a little bit by the shore and the waves would pull me back and forth and make me laugh. Ate fish n chips at a holeinthewall restaurant- which was quite good and had a very intellectual conversation there about a story on the wall. Onward to yet another beach- huge waves. Intimidatingly large. Greg and Steve swam out to an island because they're crazy in the head and I did not get into the water there because i am not as confident in my swimming skills as I am in my climbing skills. (I did enjoy snorkeling, but I'd say that I am a more terrestrial person than a water person). Instead, I played with hermit crabs and sea snails and while I did that, my purse was stolen. We spent the next hour trying to track down "a red honda with a fin" and filing a police report. As Amanda said to cheer me up, "we're playing detective, heather. Come on it's fun." It's a bit of a bummer but I am alright. I finally took some pictures, but my camera was in there along with my phone, wallet, blouse, and sunglasses. It was the rainbow colored Nepal bag. I really liked that bag. Fortunately, I did not have quite everything in my wallet and my keys weren't in there. I had to cancel credit cards though and I hope that they let me on the airplane without my DL. Oh well. So after that, we drove along the coast and watched surfers and found a good spot for cliff diving, but decided to go back monday because the rock was infested with jumpers since it was saturday. We stopped at the Dole plantation where I learned about hawaiian coffee and bought some for me and dad to try. That is Dole, like corporate fruit company Dole. We sampled pine apple and looked out how they are grown- very interesting. Also some cinnamon roasted macadamion nuts, heavenly. The largest maze in the world is there. I had deja vu when I looked at it, I'm certain I had a reoccurring dream of me in there with a gorilla once with I was a kid. We vacuumed the sand out of the car, split BIG crab legs and peeled shrimp, then paid as much to park the darn thing after hours as we did to rent it. We walked up and down the night streets and watched the street performers, gold and silver statue people, break dancers, incredible artists- spray painters, marker caricatures, and the charcoals portraitguy, magicians, musicians, my favorite was the steel drums player and band. It was fun. Since my wallet was stolen, I could not tip anybody, but I watched anyway. (there were only $6 in my wallet- I'm sure the thief was sorely disappointed. So glad my journal wasn't in it). We went to Senor Frogs. It was not as crazy as the one in Cancun, which I have not been to, but we had a lot of fun. I taught some people how to salsa and we push danced all night. today, we hiked to the top of an old volcano (but not dormant) and took some daring jitterbug pictures on the edge of the top. LONG walk, I have gotten my workout for the week I'm sure. Then we performed in the street. Tonight is fancy dinner and I am wearing a long pretty rust colored dress and soft ivory shawl with my Renaissance Festival sandals and orange eyeshadow. I'll feel pretty. Unfortunately, I am still biting my nails, so I can't make those look nice today. They got long, but then I did it again. Tomorrow, we are taking motorcycles up to north shore again. Whoop. Nick with Laura, Amanda with Stacey, and Me with Greg. Greg's been motorcycling for a while so I think we'll be alright. Although he is used to flat Texas roads and here we are on windy mountain roads in an unfamiliar place on an unfamiliar bike... Fortunately, I lost my phone so if mom reads this today, then she can't call me to try to convince me not to go.
I miss him but I'm okay.

on the wall in a holeinthewall hawaii cafe

There was an old story on the wall in a small town fish n chips cafe that taught me quite a bit. SO There was this badger that lived a little ways from a river. He owned two buckets which he would fill with water daily and carry back to his house on a stick across his shoulders, one on each side. Well, one of the buckets had a crack in it and leaked. Everyday when he got to his home, he had one full bucket and one half-full bucket to cook with. The perfect bucket was very proud to be so perfect. But the cracked bucket felt ashamed of his flaw. Well, one day, while they were down by the river, the cracked bucket confessed to the badger, "I am so ashamed of my flaw. Everyday, you come home with only a bucket and a half of water instead of two full ones because of me and I cannot do anything about it." The badger looked down at it and said, "Bucket, have you not seen the flowers that grow along your side of the path to my house and not the other? I knew of your crack, so I planted seeds along your side of the path and everyday, you water them for me as I walk. I gather them to decorate my table while I eat. They are beautiful and bring me joy. This that you perceive as an imperfection is wonderful to me."

Like it? I know that I have some imperfections. They are blessings from God and to God. He delights in my so-called "flaws" whether they are character, mental, physical, or emotional-related etc. And I should be confident in them. Some of them I should work on like timeliness and forgetfulness, although honestly I don't know that I will ever fully master either of those. We should all strive to be self-disciplined, but I need to remain secure in who God made me to be and not feel ashamed of any of my traits or wish to be any different from how I was made. I bet that some of my "inadequacies" are beautiful and purposeful in some way that I will never find out. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be me and am pretty sure that I am more confident and free spirited about myself than some people are. If I were perfect, I would probably be cocky and that would not glorify God in the least bit and it would stand in the way of a lot of wonderful relationships that He has blessed me with. Jeremiah 9:23-25 says [Do not boast in your own abilities,possessions, or accomplishments] 'but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,' declares the LORD.