Friday, November 28, 2008

Monday, November 24, 2008


needs affirmation again.

I am slightly shocked and deeply frustrated. I watched a britney spears music video. Tis true, I haven't done that before- i don't watch MTV and I never look at celebrity or secular music info on the web. Crazy that I have sheltered myself like that- being 22 and all. When the song ended, I got this wierd adrenaline rush sensation of both sex-drive and pain of feeling like I have to compete with that. I admit that I almost liked the initial feeling for a moment, but it was drowned out pretty quickly by the feeling of inadequacy. Why does she get to steal men's attention? Does my future husband watch stuff like that now? Does he expect that of me? Does part of him not want to be bound to me because he doesn't get to indulge in stuff like that? Does watching it have the same effect on him of happypain and does it keep dragging him back for more and does his pain keep building up and is his perspective of women skewed? What about my brother? What about my students? What about my girl students that must feel what I feel even stronger if they have even less of the wisdom that "mature-me" obviously doesn't have enough of. Is there a man out there that wants me, just me, and not in a studio with hairdye, fake tan, makeup, expensive lighting, airbrush, and oil and being a part of that 2% of the population that happens to be in the body that producers would stick in the stupid uglyhead studio anyway? Is there a man out there that wants me, just me and doesnt want to go to those videos and images of skanky, confused and probably deeply troubled women to supplement his what-ever-the-heck it is that worldly men want? My first inclination was to call some boy that I know thinks that I am pretty and get some words of affirmation from him. I didn't. First, I know deep in me, that I should get my affirmation from the Lord, not from the eyes of a man- especially from one to whom I am not married. Which leads me to the second reason, I didn't think that the call would benefit the guy's faith walk or focus. So I prayed for my husband and for myself and for a few of the boys that I thought to call. And after I prayed for myself, I had a whole nother train of thoughts flow into me. I thought of a music video that I saw the other day by Sara Groves. It's called "I saw what I saw" if you wanna youtube it. She's a woman of noble character serving the Lord- in modest attire might I add. And I rerealized- actually rererererealized that a woman like this one is so much more beautiful than an oil-covered one who puts her value in the multitudes of masculine attention. God thinks so AND the husband that I just prayed for is going to think so! I am a treasure! And I get to choose what I am going to treasure and it is not my physical appeal to men.
"Where my treasure is, my heart will be also" (Bible).
"What I treasure will be what I chase after" (Ben Stuart).
Backtrack-what I treasure will surely be a result of what I think about and my mind will be filled with the visuals that enter my eyes and with the words, affirming or not, that enter my ears. Read Philippians 4:8. And as those thoughts flow into my heart and become my treasure, I will chase them- and it is at that what-am-i-going-to-fill-up-with/chase after decision point that some girls burden themselves and hurt themselves. I am reassured that the noble-charactered woman is both more beautiful and more confident than sex idols. My treasure is in the Lord and in what the Lord treasures and I am a pure gift to my husband and I hope and pray that he treasures me above those fake things on a computer screen. Oh I'm so excited! I just need to be reminded.
watch Casting Crowns "Slow Fade" too. After you read Philippians 4:8.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I'm in Abilene with Grandmother and family

Grandmother was moved to hospice today. She is too tired to open her eyes or talk, but I can tell by her facial expressions that she can hear us. I sat and sang to her for a long time. It is strange that barely a month ago, we were walking around her house and flipping through catalogues together. She has three children: Dad, Tim, Thad, and Tracee. I've been watching the sons together. I don't know what to say about it, just that I am watching it. Katie, Carter, and I stood with her for a while, quiet and teary, I don't really know what to say about that either. I read a poem to her that I found- it reminded me of her as soon as I heard it. I'll type it. It is kindof long; it's about John 15- "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

"Tis only a little branch, a thing so fragile and weak;
But that little branch have a message true to give could it only speak.
I'm only a little branch; I live by life not mine.
For the sap that flows through my tendrils small is the life blood of the vine.
No power, indeed, have I, the fruit of myself to bear,
But since I'm part of the living vine, it's fruitfulness I share.
O, dost thou ask how I abide- how this life I can maintain?
It's easy, I'm bound to the vine by life's strong band and I only need remain.
Where first my life was given in the spot where I am set,
Upborn and upheld as the days go by by the stem which bears me yet.
I fear not the days to come or dwell not upon the past,
As moment by moment, I draw life which forever more shall last.
See I bask in the sun's bright beams, which sweetness fills my fruit,
Yet I own not the clusters hanging there for they all come from the root.
A life which is not my own but another's life in me,
This, this is the message the branch would speak, a message to thee and me.
O struggle not to abide nor labor to bring forth fruit,
But let Jesus unite thee to Himself as the vine branch to the root.
So simple, so deep, so strong that union with Him shall be,
His life shall ever replace thine own and His love shall flow through thee.
For His spirit's fruit is love and love shall thy life become.
And forever more on His heart of love shall my spirit have her home.
-Freda H.

So I read that to her and sang her some songs and talked about something I had told her before (below) and told her I was proud of her.
2 Tim 1:5 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."
Last year, I painted this verse for her and added that she is like Lois who had a firm foundation in Christ and taught her faith to children who taught it to their families and now, because of her foundation in Christ, a whole family trusts the Lord and other lives have been touched because of it.

Katie and I painted her nails today. They are pretty-pink and so are mine. We went back by the house tonight and while Dad was busy, I played in her vanity and closet. I tried on her jewelry- her engagement ring and some earrings and a pearl necklace and put on her lipstick and perfume and tried on her shoes.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Heather is living in a surprised state. I'm just surprised that I am surprised about what I am surprised about. It feels good in a wierd and unexpected way.

Anyway, have you ever played your ipod while driving by charging it through your laptop computer which you plugged into a converter because it needs to be charged too and sticking that in the cigarette lighter? It was like having company in the passenger seat.