Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Longing to discover what I'm longing for

I am listening to the Women's Breakaway sermon from 2007 (again- you'd think I'd learn by now) and the speaker, Christy Nockles (sp?) is amazing. She tells me all these things that I know yet do not know about myself as a woman and when I hear it I get excited and cry at the same time. I'll quote her a little bit, "As women, inside of us is this longing- an insatiable need for validation, for adoration, for affirmation, for affection, for devotion. And we are like 'Where is that coming from?!'" So True. Wow. Where is it coming from? Should I seek it out? Where should I seek it? From a man or from God? God put these longings in us. We need to look to Him to meet the God needs. Later, she quotes Stacey Eldridge's discussion about women in relationships, (author of Captivating and wife of John Eldridge, author of Wild at Heart (which I have read actually)), "Women are plagued with the lie that we are too much and not enough all at the same time." Christy elaborates, "We think, I'm too much emotionally. I'm overbearing him. I'm too much AND Oh I'm not enough for him. He must not be satisfied with me. I'm not enough."
Wow is that true or what- oh how insightful. I guess that is why I cling so much to reassuring words and am so thrown by any negative ones, because I live in this fear and taunting of this confidence-killing lie even when I do receive the most encouraging and reassuring of compliments and gestures. I feel like I am not enough- not pretty enough, not funny or creative enough, not smart enough or compitant enough- mostly not pretty enough. Then, when I get upset about a negative word or lack of a supportive one, I feel like I am overbearingly emotional and should not say how I feel because I am incapable of just being normal for once and I should pretend to be fine because if I pretend, then maybe I will be... We need to know that we are "enough" for God and let Him be enough for us. Also, I think, we need to not be so self-centered that being self-satisfied is such a high priority. (not that a loving man should not understand this about women and offer her supportive loving words, because that is what loving men should do, but if a woman depends on those words to evaluate her worth, she will NOT be fullyfulfilled.)
Christy also talked about how In life, we have desires in us that are set there by a holy God- deep deep longings- and we have hopes and dreams for things like having a fulfilled life. Christy says that "Hope diferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." I am misplacing my longings and putting them in things and persons that will never be able to fulfill them. Christy adds that, "By posturing our hearts to look to God to meet the God needs and acknowledging that He alone can meet them, we've positioned ourself for the next posture: fulfillment." I will never feel fulfilled if I keep chasing the things that I am chasing and longing for the things that I am stretching and reaching for. Psalm 38:9 "Oh Lord, All of my Longing is before you and even my sighing is not hidden from you." God sees every need, every disappointment, every hope deferred that caused us sickness, grief, or pain. We ask, Lord what are you doing with my life? Where am I going? Why have you put all these hopes and dreams in me? How do I quench this longing? I feel like I am stagnant, sitting still, and I don't know what to do with this. All my longing is before You.

Ps 107:9, Ps 145:16, Ps 38:9

If you want to listen to the sermon, make sure you listen to Women's Breakaway '07, not '08. '08 is good too, but pretty different.

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