Thursday, June 5, 2008

The Five Love Languages. I was thinking about it sitting in Poor Yoriks because thinking happens to me when I'm there

I'm doing good. I'm having fun this summer. Sometimes I run around and just live without thinking. Sometimes when I stop to think or think on accident, I think excitedly and sometimes disappointedly. I'm excited about being where I am right now and doing what I am doing right now and I am excited about whatever it is that is coming next. Wahoo. this is a portion of what I have learned so far: Relationships take careful attention and you can't just do what you want or say what you want or not say what you don't feel like saying. You have to think. Think about what the other person both needs to hear and needs to not hear. As for me, I didn't say enough. I have been thinking about this theory about five love languages. Different people give and receive love in different ways: Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Touch, and Gifts. Couples really need to be able to communicate with each other about what they are thinking and feeling and what their opinions and preferences and needs are pretty consistently- as in not for a while and then coasting for a few months. Coasting/ little effort= bad results. You have to understand how the other person receives and shows affection so that you can provide what he/she needs and understand the signals that he/she is giving you. If he receives love through Words of Affirmation, then once you recognize that he is giving affection in whatever way he gives it, then you ought to verbally recognize what he has done for you as a way of giving love to him. Does that make sense or does it just sound overly sappy? I didn't give enough of that. Dana gave me some examples back in May: one of her mom's primary love languages is Words of Aff. but Dana's dad is horrible with words and does not know how to express his feelings with them at all. His love language is mostly Acts of Service. He would love Mrs. Dana's Mom by washing her car for her, fixing things around the house, cooking dinner for her, and taking care of the kids. But she would cry sometimes saying, "He never tells me I'm beautiful. He seldom tells me he loves me. I don't feel loved." But all the while he is loving her so completely and she doesn't realize it. That must be a very weird, deep level of oblivious frustration. Likewise, he potentapossiprobably doesn't feel much of her affection when she gives him affirming words, but might complain that she doesn't take care of him as much as he would like to feel taken care of. Maybe he wants her to make him cookies or something, but she doesn't feel like she is loving him by Serving him in that way even though it is really what he needs to feel loved. People need to observe and communicate to figure these things out about each other and then, once each understands how the other person communicates affection, they can love each other, well, better; And sometimes, that is going to take sacrifices like baking even though that doesn't mean the same thing to the giver as it does to the receiver, and offering Affirming words to lift the other up and make him feel big manly needed and important, also it'll help with problems like not over giving and over giving till your exhausted and feel unappreciated or taken advantage of in an area that doesn't mean to that person what it means to you. That can make you frustrated when really, they just are not receiving the love signal that you are trying so hard to give and you might get burned out. Then again, he or she needs to see that the other is giving instead of letting them feel that way. No matter what you do, when you are receiving love, you cannot let it turn into an expectation. It is hard to keep offering love when your style of giving no longer thrills or blesses the relationship.
Not that those are "words from the wise," but that is what I have been thinking about lately and I think it makes good sense.
There's a Christian book about this called "The Five Love Languages." I have only talked to people who have read it, but I think I'll read and use it later.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks, young Miss, for the photo of the door of the Cathedral -- it was an unexpected pleasure to see such an exuberance of beautifully-done ironwork. An absolute delight, just to know that some people did that wonderful bit of work, whenever.
From what I've read of your notes on various subjects, your thinking is very practical and positive, and your expression is clear, while in no way intrusive.
Have a great life, and be happy.

heatherpaige said...

Construction of Ely Cathedral started in 1083. The iron is probably that old, but I bet you the wood is younger. I have a thing with doors. You're welcome. And I am very happy and having a remarkably nice life, thank you random commenter.

heatherpaige said...

who are you? or are you anonymous for a reason?