provocation of thought during prayer (personal journal entry transcribed on whether or not God is good)

These questions have weighed heavily on my mind since Levi Masalin's death and were furthered by a recent sermon by Thomas Wong, pastor at Point Community Church in North Brunswick, NJ.

Lord, I trust you. I know you do not forget us. Isaiah 40:27-28. You are living and active and intentional. I do not claim to understand you. Isaiah 55:8. And I do fear you. Psalm 40:3. Do I trust you because I have to? Because I fear the wrath of not trusting you? Because I was taught to? Because I am humbled by lack of understanding? Because I know you are good and worth trusting? Yes. How do I know you are good? Has my life been easy enough thus far for me to just think you are good because I have not personally experienced enough bad to think otherwise? Has the Bible shown me through examples that you do good for people who trust you? Romans 8:28. I almost wrote "you do good for most of the people who trust you" because many... scratch that... most of them were persecuted because they trusted you. How can you have done good for them if the good you did was not, well, good? Either you are not who you say you are or I have misconceived what "good" is.
America thinks "good" is success, health, good relationships and general well-being in our current circumstance. Is that what good is, God? Disciples and prophets were stoned, beheaded, speared and crucified because they loved you. Yet you say all things come together for the good of those who love you. That certainly does not fit into America's conception of "good." Philippians 4:11-13. Rather, you give peace beyond understanding Philippians 4:7, grace Romans 3:23-24, strength to endure trials Philippians 4:13, hope that will never disappoint Romans 5:3-5, assurance of love that never fades Romans 8:38-39 and joy abounding Psalm 28:7. Obviously, your definition of "good" is different from man's definition. Both definitions cannot be true, so which one is true or as westerners would says it, which truth do I choose to believe? I choose to believe that your good is "gooder" than our "good." If I do not choose you over concern for my circumstance, I will neither receive the "good" that I seek (for it is unattainable and unsatisfying) nor the good that you offer.
Yet many Christians go on thinking they trust you when really they only trust themselves and their pocketbooks. How many of us will only "trust" you until our American dream collapses? That is false trust. Test me God. When you permit trials and suffering, do I see it as a fulfillment of your promise to me or as an obstacle to your promise to me? Again Isaiah 40:27-28. I must demonstrate my trust in you through my actions and perspective and not fall back into a false trust. Lord, Grant me your perspective and teach me to fear you rather than fear fearing you.

Might I add that I have learned more about trusting the Lord by watching Levi Masalin's family this month than I have from any Bible story. Even after losing their son, they chose to rely on God and to trust Him and you know what? God has proven trustworthy in an undeniable way. I will never be the same. http://ledyard.patch.com/articles/their-lives-have-called-us-together#c
And truth about the good that God offers in no way negates the truth I wrote about in a prev. post: http://heatherpaiges.blogspot.com/2011/05/i-have-something-to-say.html

NYC with dear friends

Last year we had a reunion in Maine, where I lived at the time: http://heatherpaiges.blogspot.com/2010/02/lovely-friends.html. This year we selected NYC, so I wrote the itinerary. Rachel observed,
"Heather has two criteria: history and pretty" and I confess that that is quite accurate.
I picked Rachel, Laura and Dana up from the airport and drove due south to Princeton Township and campus then to a nearby orchard, all of which are historically significant and quite pretty.
We spent the afternoon exploring campus from chapel to library, wandering passed enchanting old shops, hiking an 18th century canal, hand-picking asparagus and indulging in cider doughnuts.

Day 2, we took our time site-seeing in Manhattan: Wall Street, the Met, the middle of Central Park in the rain, Grand Central Station, H&M, John's Brick Oven Pizzeria in an old church, Times Square, Neal Simon Theater for a free viewing (thank you US military) of the new musical comedy, and we concluded our evening with New York Cheese Cake before taking the Staten Island Ferry back to crash.

We traveled out to Long Island on Day 3 to visit Old Westbury Estate, the most beautiful gardens I have ever seen. And, of course, they surround a historic Georgian mansion.

From there, we made our way to seaside village of Seacliff and its beach.


Beautiful trip with beautiful ladies!

Wedding Anniversary Flag

A few months ago, Chris informed me that he wanted our baby to be born in Texas. I, in turn, informed him that that would involve a 9 months pregnant woman flying 2,000 miles then flying back with a week old infant... No. My dad came up with an answer.
He requested that a new state flag be flown over the Texas capitol building on the day of our wedding anniversary, June 12, then shipped to or address in New Jersey thereafter. We will take the flag with us to the local hospital so that our baby can be born under the Texas flag. Oh yes. I know you are mad-impressed! So am I.

More on our anniversary: I craved salmon, so we dressed pretty and went to a pretty restaurant together to celebrate. I really like being married to my husband. This morning, after Chris said our morning prayer and kissed me goodbye on the forehead, I laid there and thought to myself, I don't think it could get any better than this. I have the lovingest of husbands and his baby boy in my belly. I'm almost too happy. :)

Ultrasound

If you don't know my husband, this will tell you a little about him.
The ultrasound tech asked, "And what does that look like right there?"
With little hesitation and no reserve, Chris answered, "Bawls!"
"Well, yes. The appropriate term is 'testicles,' but yes" replied the tech.

In other words, it's a boy! Chris' facebook profile status reads, "Heather's got a little baby boy growin' in her gut."

I'm going to grant the little guy some privacy, so I wont show you all the pictures, but I will show you his little foot and his little nose and mouth.

The move

Stayed up until 3am with dear friends in Connecticut then rose at 6am to get to church in New Jersey on time. There, we found that 10 men planned to help move us from Staten Island to our new apt in NJ! And they did it in 4 hours flat and in only one trip of trucks, SUVs and trailer. What a blessing!
Funny- most ppl switch from a 1-br apt to a 2-br house after they get pregnant. But we are doing it the other way around. Our apt complex is so homy and cozy- a community of brick buildings with red doors and black shutters surrounded by squirrel-populated trees and "the green grass grows all around and around." The unit is newly renovated, which, aside from being pleasant, will require less scrubbing when I go into nesting mode. Plus the place is walking distance to church, friends' homes, and local businesses (including Barnes and Noble Oh yes). We are so excited!

Hebrews 3:4 "For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything."

Only People Matter

Many pursue wealth & ownership, dream jobs & experiences. But no one grieves over losing money in the stock market or missing a job promotion. No one's heart aches over a low score on a standardized test or a canceled plane ticket. The only thing that matters is people. And love.

This is evidence of the image of God in the human heart. Even for those who do not believe that he created us in His own image, it is true. Throughout the Bible, as God's character is revealed, this chief attribute is evident in his words, actions, sacrifices, grace & provision. God loves people. We are all He cares about. No other object or issue trumps his constant love for people.

Our hearts are the same, although our lifestyles do not always reflect that love. He blesses us with precepts & commandments to remind us. He instructs us over and over on where our focus & efforts should lie. Everything else is meaningless and frivolous. We are made to love our neighbors and to embrace our families and to serve one another. Only people matter.

Our dear friend, Levi Masalin, and his cousin, James Austin, were killed in a motorcycle accident this afternoon.

Alice Austen's House

It looks like a doll house- with carpentry like lace lining its dormers and gables, diamond-pained glass, and stout chimney- sitting in the grass where an 8 year old Alice Austen set it on a trip to seashore in 1874. Her little fingers wrapped leafy vines around its porch supports then showered the whole thing with colorful flower petals.
The famous photographer's home is perched on a hillside only yards from a 3-mile-wide water way. I try to imagine her view of 19th century Manhattan and of old Brooklyn. Now, sky scrapers scrape smog and international barges pass slowly and loudly under the longest suspension bridge in America. If I foucs, I can still smell the sea salt that once overwhelmed the air here. Now the air smells like the smog looks.
I sprawl on the lawn in my new maternity skirt and Cinderella flats with my hair surrendered to the breeze. I close my eyes, stroke the grass, and imagine the water a little bluer, the sounds a little calmer and the breeze a little fresher. When I open them a white crane flies low over the water in front of me and I smile.

"Heavier"

When my name is typed into corrective text messaging, a phone's first guess is "Heavier," not Heather. For once that is applicable. My belly seems to grow in spurts. At the mo 4 mark, I suddenly doubled in belly-size then seemed to stay stagnant for a while. Then this past week, I had another growth spurt!

"Ba ba black sheep, have you any wool?"

"Yes sir, yes sir, 8 bags full!"
Remember the unsheared sheep at the orchard last week? Well, I called to inquire about the price of their wool and they offered 3 bags for free! So, my fellow historic village tour guide, Aileen, and I visited Terhune on sheep shearing day (I had never seen sheep shearing (say that 3x fast) before. It was quite and experience) and left with two whole white fleeces and 1/2 of a black fleece! We plan to wash it (cus dat's jus nasty!) and spin it into yarn on a wheel or drop spindle for knitting. We may even dye it with homegrown berries! Yes, while dressed like rural antebellum women.

Renewed. Historic. Serene.

I wrote of my visit to Princeton and its local orchard last fall, http://heatherpaiges.blogspot.com/2010/09/pumpkins-spiced-tattes-available-next.html but O, let me talk now of spring! Finally, after a long snowy winter, the foliage is again thick enough to cause me to miss turns as I zigzagged through rural New Jersey. I was welcomed into Terhune Orchard by innumerable dandelion patches and apple trees, pruned and flowering. The grounds were loud with geese, a mule, woolly sheep and guinea hens scurrying from curious preschoolers. The same two yellow labs reclined on the porch, the same friendly duck approached as if to be petted and one cat gave the Cat Mint (catnip in live herb form) its undivided attention (as pictured). Spring.

After sniffing herbs and wandering through blossoms, I headed to Princeton, my favorite town south of New England. There I bought an iced vanilla milk at a local coffee shop, as pregnant women should, and sipped it on a grassy lawn in the old shopping district. Inviting.

On my drive North, an old mill aside Stony Creek caught my eye. I took a narrow road that crossed a wooden bridge, the original of which had been destroyed by General Washington after the Battle of Princeton. I parked by the mill and walked into the watery woods. I call them watery woods, because the wide creek spreads thin over the forest floor creating a series of tree-studded islands that canopy the whole area. In the cool greenery, I could only hear the water spilling over the rocks, shimmering like envied jewelry, and the occasional squawk of a lone goose. Serene.

Doctor's orders

I told my prenatal doctor yesterday that I cannot physically eat the recommended 2500 calories a day- or at least I cannot eat that much in healthy foods. So she prescribed whole milk and a scoop of ice cream per day. How often do you hear news like that from your doctor?

Moving Again

We're moving to New Jersey next month- meaning I will have moved every summer since 2008.

2011: From NYC to NJ
2010: From Maine to NYC
2009: From Dallas to Maine
2008: From College Station to Dallas

2004: From Houston to Texas A&M Univ. in College Station.

Before that, my family lived in Abilene Texas, West Virginia, and in Bellville Texas.

This Is the Stuff

Did you know that Volkswagens have locks on their hub cabs so that tires cannot be removed with standard tools? Well, after the auto shop could not find our key (prob bc the last auto shop accidentally kept it), I had to purchase a new one for a whopping $27.00 (we're talking about a 3"x3" piece of metal here. I had to pull every rubber cover off of every bolt with a deformed wire coat hanger to find the lock bolt then count the 16 points on it in the rain before I could ask if the dealer had its key in stock.) then I drove back to the auto shop to get a new tire.
On my drive home, I was still stressed and frustrated. I started thinking- this problem is way to small to affect me this greatly. I said a prayer then thought, this would be an ideal time for Francesca Battistelli's This is the Stuff to come on the radio. I turned the station from NPR to Star 99.1 and believe it or not, the first chorus was starting: This is the stuff that drives me crazy... In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed... It might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff You use. I felt better instantly and even laughed at myself.

Lesson: A lot of stress and frustration is self-inflicted. If I choose to pray as Francesca sings, "break me of impatience and conquer my frustrations," then I will not be easily angered or unduly stressed to the point of popping a blood vessel. Rather, I will be optimistic, patient and have a less permeable joyfulness. That sounds like a much easier way to live and a better way to not beget a heart condition. I will pray this prayer more often.

Click for the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqqdA8LHN7I&feature=fvwrel

Spring in Manhattan

Most would leave Manhattan to see the spring, but I wanted to go to Manhattan. The contrast of the lively cherry blossoms against the steel and concrete intrigues me. So, Chris and I ventured to the city to enjoy.
My favorite part comes in a week or two when the blossoms begin to fall- when the trees are still full and ripe, but the petals fall like snow and blow around the city (allergic persons might argue). On those few precious days, I wear a pink skirt and twirl under tree branches. There is a sense of urgency to catch the moment before the wind has stolen it all for another 350 days.

"The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”

like christmas lights

Do you remember December car rides after dinner to view Christmas lights? After work today, when I drove around Tottenville looking at blossoming trees I was reminded of those memories.

Some branches are smothered already in cotton-white or baby pink blooms- fullness like saturation- while other branches are still scarcely covered. They pop open one at a time like popcorn does until its bag filled.

clipart from Dragonartz Designs.

Dear New York,

You seem to have forgotten spring. Your temperature has jumped from 52 to 88 and has put color in my cheeks. The outdoors even smell like summer, but the backdrop of brown trees looks odd behind skateboarding teens in sleeveless ts. Thank you for your consideration. I will try not to complain when it is 56 tomorrow.

Heather

Linus and Leeks

Laura Joost: How are you and Linus doing?

Me: We're quite well! Chris teases me about my "little belly" growing, but he really thinks I'm cute. Side effects of pregnancy are quite random. Ex: I have never dropped so many things in my life. Nor spilled so many liquids (mostly from missing when pouring. I've wasted so much milk and tea and chopping vegetables has turned into a squats workout). I had been getting so frustrated with myself then i read that "pregnant women tend to drop things." Really?

Speaking of chopped vegetables droppings, I discovered leeks today. I made leek and thinly sliced mushroom soup in chicken broth. How have I gone my whole life without leeks? Laura, was this soup actually amazing or is this another one of those weird pregnancy food things? Chris argues the latter.

Laura confirmed that leek soup is truly good. :) I'm glad.

You can't fall upward. You can't slip uphill. In order to move anywhere but down and back, you have to work at it. Right?

I felt movement this morning

I jumped out of bed quickly because I poured my bedside glass of water on myself. Smart. After changing shirts and switching to the dryer side of the bed to cozy back in for my morning reading, Linus (My family jokingly named the baby Linus and now Chris has joined in. He comes home from work each day, "How's my little wife? And how's little baby Linus?" No that will not be his/her name.) anyway, Linus did not cozy back in so quickly. I had read that slim women tend to feel their baby move earlier in the pregnancy than other women, but I did not expect to feel anything for a few more weeks. It felt like...um... I felt like a jar probably feels when moths are trapped inside it. Moths or small hyper frogs.
I have heard about a t-shirt that says, "I make people" across the front. I want it.

Something urgent has come up with regards to NYS funding to assist youth who are homeless (and thus at huge risk of trafficking). New York Governor Cuomo threatens to cut 100% of NYS funding to organizations helping homeless children and youth, as well as organizations working with Domestic Child Trafficking victims.

Please check out this link: http://forsakengeneration.com/actnow/ and or post here: http://sparkaction.org/alert/governor-cuomo-nys-runaway-homeless-youth-yo

SPRING TIME!

You make anew the earth.

You renew the life of me and
You make a new life within me!

If you can't read the small print, it just says the week #. Ex: "March 26: 12 weeks"

Snow on the daffodils.

Chris and I explored Princeton University together on Sunday to discover that spring has come to New Jersey. Some trees are already blossoming in white and red and daffodils spring up on the roadsides. BUT it snowed last night. Even today clumped snow, tiny hail stones, and fat rain drops fell fast and hard all at once. That in itself is some of the strangest weather I have yet seen, but seeing snow on the branches of my green-budding tree and snow atop the daffodils is almost surreal. I hope none freeze to death.

Family Vacation

The Denver Post published this picture the week we were in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. As we rode up and up the lift, the balloon appeared to go down and down on the horizon. The mountain is huge, the ski routes many, and the powder ideally powdery. Snowboarding with my siblings, cousin, and boyfriend-in-law was great fun and hanging out with Mom and Dad the rest of the time was a breath of fresh air (not that the air in the CO Rockies isn't fresh enough already).
I only snowboarded two half-days for safety and rest (beyond wk 16, I would do no such thing). Despite the temperature being warm enough for us to peel off coat and hat layers on the slopes, we left the town on the day of a winter storm warning! I feared I would not make my flight back to NY. With snow falling hard and thick onto the already white roads and, according the the weatherman, 12 more inches to come, we COULD NOT make it up the first mountain pass out of town. We drove halfway up, turned around, got a running start, tried again, turned around and tried AGAIN, then gave up and drove back to an auto shop to buy tire chains. If we did not get out of NW CO by that morning, we expected to be stuck there until the following afternoon! Fortunately, my brother proved to be a tire chaining champion and we made it to Denver airport just in time for me to walk straight to my gate and onto my plane. Wahoo!

The Power of God > not = the power of Heather

I have learned that trusting God does not always involve my discernment. I have many a time prayed, "God, I trust you with this situation. Now, please help me to discern Your will." Then I proceed to worry for months about whether or not I'd discerned correctly. Don't get me wrong, I think that is a good prayer and we absolutely should actively seek God's will, but my anxious attitude behind it was draining, pointless, and less than trusting. I was trusting myself as much as or more than I was trusting God. Did I forget that He is the mighty one?

When Chris and I were moving to NYC, we prayed that God would lead us to the area where He wanted us to live and mostly to the church that he wanted us to join. I worried for months that we would not choose the right home then I worried afterward that we had mischosen/ that we would spend 3 years friendless in a big city. As it turns out, if Chris and I had not moved to the southern point of Staten Island (rather than the north or Brooklyn nearer to his work), we would not have visited The Point Church in nearby New Jersey and experienced the blessing that has made living here the most worthwhile. I cannot imagine our life without our brothers and sisters there and I do not think I would be as able to face the journey of motherhood without the love and wisdom of our friends. I didn't carefully discern that God wanted us to move here- I was clueless. I do not feel any sense of accomplishment in having chosen correctly. I simply prayed. And he answered. All that worry and stress was not necessary; it glorified myself rather than Him and revealed to me that I needn't waste my energy trying to trust my discernment. Rather I should just believe that God is powerful and trustworthy.
Depend on Him, not on Him plus yourself. And toss your anxiety out the window.

On Child-rearing

"We rob our children if we merely seek to have them meet our expectations. We need to be on God's agenda for our kids lives so they can experience the abundant life God intends for them." -Henry Blackaby in Bible study, Experiencing God

God, I want to be on your agenda for our child's life. I don't want to make up an agenda myself. We want all of our children to know you and to "be conformed to the image of Christ." Like Paige said (prev post), kids are on loan to us for a while. They are not ours.

Even if I think my agenda is a godly one, I'm not wise enough to pull it off lovingly and fruitfully, He is the gardener and the vine. John 15: 1-5. God leads and guides it, I don't. I may play a role in how He guides it and I feel blessed for the opportunity to do so.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%2015:1-5&version=NIV

An Announcement.

Heather's Text to Paige Marcella Rieck Hill:
Hey Paige, guess what I am.
It's a sort of state of being or a condition if you will. an unplanned and unanticipated but never the less (after a bit of adjusting) welcomed one.
The condition itself is temporary, but the effects are pretty darn permanent.

Paige's Response:
You have a parasite.
That you will name.
And grow to love

Heather's Response:
Yes.

I remember once in college (I don't know why Paige and I were talking about child rearing), Paige said that God gives children to parents on loan for a while to love and to train. Correct me, Paige, if you can say it better than that.


Chris said it looks like a peanut, but I can kinda tell that it is going to be human. See the big head on the left and the little body with arm and leg nubs on the right?

My sister, Katie, commented "I showed my friends at work and Laura said it looked like a gummy bear. Everyone loves gummy bears and they are cute, so tell Chris that it looks like a gummy bear or I thought it looked like a black eyed pea..."

But since he/she looks so much like a Peanut, he/she has been dubbed Little Linus.  Let it be known that the birth name will not be Linus.  

As you can see, I really enjoyed Middleton Place Plantation.

double click the image to make it big and pixilated.

And scroll down to the next two posts for pictures.

I promised some pictures of Charleston and Savannah, so here are a few of the few that we took.

Ice cream in Savannah because it was Blue Bell. Even though it was cold, we were so excited about seeing Blue Bell ice cream (which you can't find up north) that we ate it anyway.

The trolley goes back and forth down River Street in Savannah. The driver has a seat on both ends of the car.

This building was built out of ballast stones from the belly's of trade ships.
The mansion at Middleton Place plantation. most of it was destroyed in the Civil War.

A building on the College of Charleston campus that allured me.
Middleton Place is an active farm.


I guess the peacock thought I was pretty.

The Aiken-Rett house, a beautiful mansion in downtown Charleston.

St. Michael's Anglican Church where Chris and I attended during our stay. It's steeple bells are the oldest cast bells in America.

The Circular Church on Meeting Street in Charleston was a very interesting building surrounded by a fascinating graveyard. The picture on the right was take 5 hours before we found out I was pregnant.

We woke up many January mornings to a multi-inch coats of fluffiness. The winter has been fun (and for NYC, expensive), but I am ready for the spring!