I discovered "light cream" at this coffee shop. My dream just came true! No seriously, I have been looking for a cream that tastes like this since I left glorious England in 2007. I haven't been able to find one with the same creamy sweetness and resolved that it did not exist in the US. Alas, it does here at my coffee shop in Maine. Glee.

Girl Wakes Up to Light House Horn Instead of Train Whistles

It is wierd. My family moved 9 times and I think 7 of those 9 homes where next to RR tracks. I can sleep through train whistles better than anyone I am quite sure. But now I wake up to- what is this? A light house horn?! And I am growing accustomed to hearing boat whistles throughout the day. That and the siren that means the bridge next to my house is raising or lowering to let a boat pass under. Guys, my house is right on the harbor! I can see it through the trees from the front yard and the back! Delight. I have never experienced anything like this before.
Yesterday, a sweet sweet and quite funny lady from church took me out for fish and chips and beach strolling. It was wonderful! And we drove up and down the coast and just talked about life and faith and New England weather. Tonight, Chris and I are going down to Hampton beach to see the sand sculptures and then we are going to an outdoor musical at Prescott Park! It is a grassy theater on Strawbery Bank, the old part of town where the 400 year-old house/museums are! It is called Strawbery Bank because of all the wild strawberries that grew there, why they misspell it, I don't know. Anyway, we are taking a picnic basket and sitting on a blanket to watch Grease! Wait, I don't have a basket- maybe it'll be a shopping bag. I have a pot shortage wihch is super fun for cooking. I have a small skillet for eggs and one piece of meat at a time and I have one pot. So I have a system now: make the pasta while cooking the meat, strain pasta and store in collinder (try to keep warm by keeping in microwave), quickly clean pot, add and cook beans... haha. not bad.

So, cooking hasn't been as big of a nightmare as I feared it would be. I married a big man and he eats a lot of food. ha and he has complimented me so far.
Dinner 1: LemonGarlic Chicken with greens and penne pasta
Dinner 2: Chicken Fried Steak, mashed potatoes, corn
Lunch: Left over chicken- grilled and tossed with lettuce, croutons, and ranch dressing (from a packet, not a bottle =way better) served with red grapes and apple slices
Dinner 3: Sliders! mini cheeseburgers and tots! So fun oh so fun.
Lovely Laura made me an AMAZING cook book!! It is amazing and it is homemade and it is beautiful and it makes me very happy and she is beautiful and she brings me much joy and i love her. It will arrive here on monday with the Uhaul trailor and it will be splendidly helpful.
This man is amazing. He is so giving. He thinks of me first and that makes me feel so good. Dang, how did I snag this one?
Now for grocery shopping. Coupons! bye.

Merry Old Maine where it is 40 degrees cooler than it is in Texas.

Yeah, I'm wearing a sweater. So right now I am sitting in a coffee shop called "Breaking New Grounds" in Market Square of downtown Portsmouth. oh wow, you would love this town. I walked across this bridge from which i could see things like this and this . Then I walked by things like this and this . Right now, out the bay window in which I am sitting, I see this and this .

This place is incredible. It is so old. For a girl who has grown up in big, spread-out, and relatively new Texas almost all her life, a 400 year old town with streets and allies that were designed for horse&buggies and taverns with low creakey rafter ceilings and doorways that require ducking to get through (well, I don't have to duck, but normal height people do) and so many bicycles is a big change. My house is 100 years old. I was surprised at myself- when I stepped into the house on Saturday evening, I almost immediately started crying. Actually being here and realzing that I am not leaving this time was a little shocking and overwhelming. He held me a while and then told me to put on a pretty dress that he had given me and took me out to a nice dinner down town. Sunday, got up for church this morning. I love his church. I'm super excited about going there- it is so service oriented and people stayed for like an hour talking after church- hah I think I heard once that you can tell the health of a church by how long it takes people to go home. I'm surprised- there are actually alot of people here our age. That is nice.


The honeymoon was amazing! Perfect. exhausting but perfect. The Gaylord was super nice and he was so sweet to me. In the morning, he got this huge roomservice breakfast and ate it in our complimentary robes on the balcony. hehe. In Memphis, we went to the is fabulous live music joint on old, birth-fo-the-blues Beale Street and listened to some blues music from an cute old man band. This hilarious rickity old black singer led the band. He wore a suit and sunglasses even though it was a dark bar. haha. He would get out a tamberine every once in a while and shake his whole body with it and tell silly silly stories while the big bald base player picked in the background.
Day two, we drove through northern alabama where it is much hillier than you think. Day three was absolutely the best day ever-- okay so we get up in the morning at this splendid bed and breakfast on a 100 acre farm and the the British host makes us a lovely meal and then asks with his British accent. "Would you like to ride the horses?" Yes. haha. So- we were shocked- he just introduces us to Chili and Rooster and says "be back in an hour and be sure to close the gate." OKAY! haha so Chris and I went riding through some woods, around a chicken coup, and across gorgeous rolling hills covered in yellow flowers and we ran! Our hourses must have been giddy- so they just wanted to canter and canter and we didn't mind. (we both worked in horse barns growing up so we knew what we were doing- ha.) it was so amazing. I never expected him to just let us go out like that. THEN!!! we left the farm and drove to two 25 foot waterfalls. (i'll post pics later) and cliff jumped off like 20 ft cliffs next to the falls and we swam all around there in and through the canyon. wowowowow! Whoda thunk that was in Alabama? not me.

Yea so then we headed to Charleston SC and that was really romantic and we went to the beach in the rain and now one was there but us and we danced and watched a lightning storm. And then ate a pretty dinner in pretty downtown.
After that, we drove up the Blue Ridge parkway, a beautiful winding road across the ridges of the appalachians and then to DC where we met up with his best man and that made for a nice break. we explored the city and some museums and then made our way to Philidelphia then to HERE! Whoop.

Oh my wedding was so beautiful! I am going to post pictures of the wedding later too!! When people asked me, I said, "This is the most beautiful wedding that I have ever been to AND IT IS MINE!" Wow. Oh I love it. Post comments- I have a fear of loneliness. Heather

Little Trip

Chris had a portcall in Virginia last weekend so he flew me up. In the meantime, my students watched The Hunt for Red October- excellent movie- Sir. Sean Connery played a Russian with a Scottish accent; that's okay because it was still a really good movie.
We went to Colonial Williamsburg



I wish we had taken pictures. We both brought cameras, but didn't take any pics. We walked up and down the street amongst cheese shops and bookshops and taverns. Colonial Williamsburg is the old capitol of VA and still looks the way it did int he 18th century. The employees walk around in colonial garb and speak with old school accents; there is a blacksmith, silversmith, cobbler, weaver, milliner, printer and binder, tailor, cooper, wheelwright, and a gunsmith. It was so green and there were lovely gardens with smell-good herbs and flowers. Chris rebought me a ring therethat I had lost. It is silver and says "vos et nul autre" on the band, which means "you and no other." I love him so much.
Oh and we jitterbugged on the beach!

haha. He picked this one up on the first try. I thought we were going to do another prep and he lifted me right over his head and held me there. I love it! Oh I'm so happy. This is so perfect.
Sunday, we went to Busch Gardens theme park and rode rollercoasters and ate turkey legs and got soaked enough for our toes to get pruny.



Ya that blue ride^ It was fun. ha. He had never had a Turkey leg before, but I wanted one. So we asked around to find where they sold them and he bought one for me. We sat down. He tasted it. Pretty promptly, he got up and went and got his own. I think he liked it. ha. We called our beautiful mothers to tell them Happy Mother's Day and stayed till the park closed.
We got in really late to the base and I dropped him off at the boat at stinkin 5am before I hopped my plane.

Chris and Heather

I know this is a little late in coming. With the super-busy first year of teaching, I have been out of the swing of blogging.

The not-quite-so-new-news-that-you-may-already-know is that I am engaged to the most wonderful man that I have ever met. I know, crazy, you meet the man of you dreams and he likes you back. How often does that happen?












Yes he is a Texan. He is in the Coast Guard and is currently stationed in Maine. He is an amazing man of faith; He is pretty much a hoss; he's incredibly smart; and he is stinkin hilarious.



Here's the dang quick run down:

We met in December at a wedding (I was a bridesmaid).
He took me dancing two weeks later.
He took me to lunch the next day.
He invited me to New York for New Years. I went.
He held my hand in Times Square, asked me to be his girl at Bryans, and kissed me at the airport.
We spent his January sea patrol emailing and realizing that we are meant for each other.
He surprise-visited me in Dallas and told me he loved me.
I visited him in Maine mid-February and he accidentally proposed.
I went back to Maine and we went duplex hunting. Found one.
Now we are getting married June 12 here in Dallas and then making a honeymoon out of driving my jetta to our new home in Maine.

That's 6 months from meet to marriage. 2 months of dating.
4 month engagement.

He goes out to sea again in August so be expecting a lot of blogging bout Maine life.

TOMS SHOES

http://www.tomsshoes.com/content.asp?tid=284

love, God, and marriage. (notice which one is capitalized)

On the plane coming back from a great snowboarding spring break and finding a cute duplex in Maine, I was thinking about the sermon from the Ledyard church we attended and I was reviewing his 09-10 schedule (Chris will be out to sea for half of our first year) and wrote this in my journal.
"Soon I shall be his wife. I will be a strong wife. confident, courageous, sturdy, and unafraid. Loneliness will not intimidate me. It will be an opportunity. And when my darling comes home, I will be there for him to offer him the love and tenderness and encouragement and support and entertainment that he needs. I will be his wife. He will be my stronghold, my cornerstone. Christ will be our foundation. I messily sketched our marriage as little a solid structure with Christ as the foundation, me as the support and Chris as the roof and cornerstone between my columns. I will encourage him, I will not complain to or about him, i will not mock him or bring him down. I will not lie to or deceive him, I will be fully straightforward and honest with a love for Christ above us both and farthest above myself.

I had thought a lot about John 14 "Ask for anything IN MY NAME and I will give it." I wont go into the workings of the secong part of that sentence, but just that first part- what does "in His name" mean? It is not a phrase to tag onto a prayer. It is a life style. when I take my new name, it is not just something we say at the wedding or a new signature to practice, it is a lifestyle. Lord make me IN YOUR NAME. Oh God, I love you. You first loved me. The pastor was right this morning. You cannot talk about oneness in marriage until you talk (for a really long time (ha)) about oneness with God. I am longing to be "in Chris' name." I am going to take his name onto myself. When I relinquish myself and my own will and desire- like the Jone's binder says, I am letting my name go and also my pride and selfcenteredness and ambition.
The pastor also said this morning that, like with God, once I let go of myself (which I do not claim to have sufficiently done), it is not like my joy becomes irrelevant. It will be considered and cared for by the one whose name I take. Just as we, together, have taken Christ's name and Christ cares about our joy, I will take Chris's name and Chris will care for my joy. Sidenote: Christopher means "Christ bearer." I will bear the name of the bearer of Christ's name. Mr. and Mrs. Christopher- selfless as individuals for each other and selfless as a couple for God. Yes, I know that is not fully attainable. But the Jones to us to accept reality while still striving for the ideal.
Jesus is very concerned with our personal joy and fulfillment. When we give ourselves to Him and let Him care for us instead of looking after these concerns ourselves (aka sin), he will do so and the results will be far better than our own sillyface ideas. As I look to Chris, Chris will look to Christ (not that I am not also looking to Christ, because I am) and our marriage will make His joy complete and fulfill His purposes and He will in turn make our joy complete and we will be fulfilled with and by Him. John 15:11. I know that Chris is not perfect and I am so imperfect; the Jones said that we must recognize that two imperfect people cannot make a perfect marriage- it needs focus and reliance on God. And even as we aim to rely on God (the ideal), we still have to understand that that perfection, though it is possible and will be remarkable at times, is not realistically going to be the case all the time. I know.

Bring what into the light?

I was listening to my ipod on an airplane from Maine to Dallas. Jennifer Knapp's song, "Martyrs and Thieves" is such a true and honest and humble song. I typed the lyrics at the bottom of this blog.

It made me think about several verses and a deep meaning that would have to be deep rooted in a persons subconscious being in order for it to displayed in their life. Ephesians 5:11 says, "for one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the light is found in all that is good and right and true,)... Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but INSTEAD EXPOSE THEM. For it is shameful even to speak of the things they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light." Okay that is deep and confusing. Expose your sins?! That is scarily humbling. Once again, humbling ourselves= glorifying God- hence Jennifer's chorus... "turn on the light and reveal all the glory. I am not afraid (of being embarrassed and a known sinner) to reveal all my weakness." Revealing it/ exposing it/ letting people see that we are imperfect/ letting down our pride= this "lets His light shine bright in our lives"? hm... So we Christians are to bear all our weakness to glorify God. The showing off of His grace ads to His glory. If I do not reveal my failure, I falsely glorify myself and the example of living grace is not revealed. It is like saying Christ died for nothing (Gal. 2:21); it empties the cross of its power (1 Corinthians 1:17). Therefore I will boast all the more in my weaknesses! (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). We know and must announce, instead of hiding it like many churchgoers do, that while we strive to follow his commandments and he makes us holy and blameless and righteous, we are not holy on our own. It is by God's glorious grace ALONE! Declare your weakness from the rooftops. "My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness" -2 Cor. 12. "We must become less; He must become greater" -John 3:30. So "turn on the light and reveal all the glory I am not afraid to uncover my weakness..."


John 3:19-21 talks more about those who fear exposure. "This is the verdict. Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light lest his deeds should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it mah be clearly sen that his deeds have been carried out by God."

There's a place in the darkness that I used to cling to
It presses harsh hope against time
In the absence of martyrs there's a presence of thieves
Who only want to rob you blind
They steal away any sense of peace
Though I'm a king I'm a king on my knees
And I know they are wrong when they say I am strong
As the darkness covers me

Chorus-

So turn on the light and reveal all the glory
I am not afraid
To bare all my weakness knowing in meekness
I have a kingdom to gain
Where there is peace and love in the light, in the light
Oh I am not afraid
To let Your light shine bright in my life, in my life
Oh I... am, I...

There are ghosts from my past who've owned more of my soul
Than I thought I had given away
They linger in closets and under my bed
And in pictures less proudly displayed
A great fool in my life I have been
Have squandered till pallid and thin
Hung my head in shame and refused to take blame
For the darkness I know I've let win

(Chorus)

Can you hear me? (repeat 6x)

Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
To reveal all of You that I can

(Chorus)

Thought...=Destiny

This is a cool quote about it. It's a chain reaction:

Sow a thought, reap an action.
sow an action, reap a habit.
sow a habit, reap a character.
sow a character, reap a destiny.
-Samuel Smiles

And I thought, so, Shakespeare's Macbeth actually taught us something. Macbeth let the THOUGHT of killing the King turn into an ACTION, then the act of killing people became a HABIT and he killed lots of people, then he grew a destructive (and self-destructive) CHARACTER which inevitably brought his bloody DESTINY. Of course this is a little extreme but it also applies to other things like drugs, alcoholism, pornography, and smaller things like gossip and laziness.

I worked backwards. 1) My Destiny: I want to have a DESTINY where God says, "Well done good and faithful servant." Matthew 25. Not "Dang, I wish you had chosen to live a little differently." 2) So in order to have that DESTINY, I need to have the CHARACTER of a godly woman. 3) In order for me to be a godly woman, I really need to have good HABITS. 4) If I want to have good HABITS, then obviously, I need to make the decision daily to ACT in a way worthy of Christ. 5) Each ACTION sprouts from the admittance of a THOUGHT. So the goal is to "hold every THOUGHT captive." 2 Corinthians 10:5 and Philippians 4:8. We have the ability to choose what we think about and it is on that choice that our destiny hangs.

Back to Matthew 25, after He says, "Well done good and faithful servant", he says, "You have been faithful over a few things, now I will put you over many things." One of the "few things" that He first puts us in charge of is our own self-control and if we are faithful with that little thing, then He will put us over greater things like mentorship or mission work or whatever He has planned for each us. If we can not prove faithful with something small and personal like that, then why would He put us over His flock? We have to prove faithful with the little things He gives us now so that He will trust us to give us bigger roles in furthering His kingdom later. It is impossible to be perfect all the time. We are human and He wouldn't give us forgiveness if He didn't know that. Still it is good to bare in mind that He has instructed us to be faithful. So we try. Jesus says, "If you love me, you will follow my commandments." So not following Him is straighout saying, I dont love you more than myself and I don't trust you that you can satisfy me fully. When we take our pleasure into our own hands, we must be breaking God's heart. He is a jealous God and that is something to be jealous of. (read 1 John 2)
I want to grow to my full potential for God so that He can use me without the disruption of selfish sin NOW OR LATER/ LATER THEREFORE NOW with the chain reaciton thing.
In order to be who He wants you to be later, you have to choose what you THINK now. "Hold every thought captive."

Galatians 6:7-9
"Whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eiternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up."

Copy. Paste. Note about men and women to Chris. What are ya'll thoughts? Men? Women?

"Yes, I am about to go to bed. yay. What I said earlier about what I've learned from talking with other women, particularly with married women, is that men like to fix things- if there is something wrong, they want to make it better and get rid of the problem. Well that makes sense doesn't it- ha. Well, women, unfortunately don't make sense- and there is a common misunderstanding that often drives both genders crazy. that is that alot of the time, women would rather voice their feelings and troubles and then just be comforted than actually fix what's troubling them. I know- no sense. I hear it makes men a little crazy and that it also makes women a little crazy because they don't feel like they are being listened to. now, I think that you listen really well- thank you for that. I almost laughed at myself tonight when I discovered that what those women had said was true. As you tried to tell me ways that I could ameliorate the problem, I found myself a little annoyed because apparently (i think this was happening in my subconscious) i was not telling you in hopes that it would go away- i just wanted to talk about it. I really do appreciate you wanting to take care of me and wanting to help make hard things easier. So I am far from asking you not to do that (not that i think that you would anyway because that response is just as natural to you as talking about flippineverything that passes through my head is to me.) I think that if I were with you tonight instead of on the phone, it would have been one of those times that I would cry and then want to be hugged and you’d end up getting your shirt wet for bout 10 minutes and then once I was done crying on you, I would get over it and get my stuff done. Haha. Okay Chris- I just thought that we would be able to communicate better in the future if we better understood how the other communicates. Haha. When you help me while I’m upset, I know that that translates into “I love you and I want to take care of you” and I hope that you know that me coming to you for comfort when I am upset and need an ear translates into “I love you and I need you to take care of me" as well. What are your thoughts?

Watching the History Channel

How did the Greeks and Romans cut rock and build obilisques 3x taller than the statue of liberty? How did they transport thousands of tons of stone hundreds of miles from quarries to construction sites (there are temples in Italy that have stones from 5 different locations around Africa and Spain!) Archeologists are not sure how they built them. They say the entire parthenon was built within ten years. They say that their cutting and placing was so detailed and precise that it is really better than what we have now. there is evidence of ancient cranes scattered all over the world. I wonder what our world would be like if the knowledge and technology of the antiquity had not been lost. Thank goodness things like writing and reading were not lost during the dark ages- thanks to monks mostly! Too bad the library at Alexandria burned down. But most of the population was illiterate and ideas and technologies were forgotten in western Europe after Rome fell to barbarians around 420 AD. The next industrial revolution did not come until late 1700s. Strange that the East kept its Science and math and literature and technology- they went from when they began in 3000BC to now with little interuption whereby the West lost everything for several generations and then, after 1/3 of the people died in the black plague, they high speed started back up and surpassed the rest of the world and now everywhere else has "westernized" themselves. I guess we managed to steal a lot from them. The romans stole their ideas from the greeks who stole form the phoenicians who stole from the pre-arabians. When western europe stole ship ideas from old norse/viking technology, they saw that other parts of the world have better prettier tastier things than they had and began trading. (well, the trade routes were what brought the bubonic plague so that part happened before it) It was the bubonic plague that changed the west's attitude and opened up more jobs for peasants who were eager to work their way up to by being entrepeneurs. This attitude comprised the roots of our capitalistic system and that is what made us westerners industrialize so darn fast and that is what has kept us ahead of other countries and that makes it even more unfortunate that we are turning socialist. Marx said it would happen now it is. :b. These arheologists are arguing that they may have had stone cutting mechanical saws. Geeze. And they may have had mass-producing workshops. They are arguing that they used waterwheels and cranks. They had already created Iron by then, they could have def used iron saws. wow. Water power was reinvented in England in the 19th century. lost technology. Steel came along in the 1800s and made us able to build the structures taht we build now. I am just curoius about how things would be different now if we had continued out technological advance from 420 on instead of restarting. I wonder if we would pollute less or abuse our resources just as much?
Christianity grew during the dark ages when everything else, particularly selfish ambition, was less attainable. Faith decreased around the time of the Rennaissance and Industrial Revolution. I am glad that Christianity grew and spread- I wonder if God arranged things purposely to establish the Catholic church as such a permanent world leader. It is sad, but more people come to God when life sucks than they do when htings are progessing. A man on an airplane told me once that the only reason christianity was so big in the dark ages was because kings and governments used it to keep the masses down. in convincing them that there was a conditional afterlife to work toward, then they would not complain or rebel as much one earth. And that they used it as an excuse to start wars. What do you think about that? I like Romans 1:8 and 16:24-26 better. Oh and Romans 1:15-18 "15It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. 16The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains.[a] 18But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice."

That was fun to type. I didn't expect to do that. Thanks or reading.

I painted a picture. Yes, I am 23.

Josh Turner Song

Oh the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darlin, I promise you this.
Next time I hold you I'm not letting go.
Will you wait for it darlin? I need to know.

Well you know I'm a sailor and tomorrow we sail.
It's hard way of livin, but i know it well.
And if I surrender my life to the sea
You can marry another; it's alright with me.

Though we won't be together again till the spring,
Just imagine the treasures I'll bring.

Come lay with me, stay with me, soon I'll be gone.
I will remember you all winter long.
And when I return to the one that I miss
Oh the longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss
The sweeter the kiss

When the mornings are warm and the valleys are green,
I'll come back from wherever I've been.
Oh the longer the waiting the sweeter the kiss
It's better my darlin, I promise you this
The next time I hold you I'm not letting go.
I will give up the ocean forever I know.
Forever I know

Fruit of the Spirit

During the sermon last week, I was jotting a note about patience. I asked the Lord for more of it. Then I wondered, what is it? So I tried to define it, but really couldn't. Then I started thinking about the fruit of the spirit listed in Galatians 5:22 and what they are and aren't. Here's sorta what I came up with for some of them:



Love. If the primary person you care for and tend to and live for is yourself, then you have not love. Philippians 2

Joy. If your "joy" is in how happy you are dependent on your circumstances and how effectively you "love" loving yourself, then you have not joy. James 1:2

Peace. If you put your "peace" in your comfy pillow-seat of a life instead of in carrying your cross with stripes on your back toward death, then you have not peace. Matt Lantz

Patience. If you take comfort in certainty rather than in being uncertain about everything but the faithfulness of God, then you have not patience. Oswald Chambers p.120

Self-Control. If you continue to chase your desires and live self-servingly and are unconcerned with the choices that God wants you to make and do not painfully self-sacrificingly strive to tame your body, then you are not self-controlled. 1 Cor 9:24-27

Conversations on Creationism

Okay this is going to be a shuffled recollection of what I learned in the last few hours. I just got back from a 3 1/2 hour session intended to prove intelligent design. Three speakers (I am not going to spell all their names right)- all science scholars: Steven Myers from Cambridge and author of "Signature in the Cell", Ray Bellinsky from France and author of "The Devil's Delusion" (rebuttal to Richard Dawkin's "The God Delusion"), and Mike Behe, an American who faces issues like to those presented in "Expelled"- a documentary-movie made by Ben Stein about professors being fired over believing in intelligent design and author of "Darwin's Black Box." They talked about biology and the nanomachines inside our cells, about the anthropic fine-tuning of physics, about astronomy, and mouse trap analogies.... Wow. God was taken out of scientific arguments first by a french astronomer named Pierre la Place during Napoleon's reign and it went on from there through Darwin to Freud. With the help of the break down of the catholic churches dominion over Europe, it was easy for this theologyless scientific transition to take place. When Darwin wrote "the origin of the species, his purpose was not even to disprove God because he did not see that as necessary. And people these days think it is strange that he did not really address the "origin" of a species, but just the evolution of an existing one. At that time, they were not concerned with the "beginning" many scriptural texts had slipt out consideration and trust and the fact that many cultures had started their foundation texts with "in the beginning" statements was of little concern. It was not until the mid1940s that this "beginning" argument rearose and it threw many scientists, including Einstein for a loop. One day, while looking through his gigantic telescope in Southern California, Hubble discovered galaxies. This shocked and humbled mankind because we realized that we were smaller than we thought we were. ha. Anyway, as he looked at the numerous galaxies which we had previously known only as random burning balls of gas only, he noticed that many had a red colored light glow. I do not know much about light or how it travels, but apparently light that is receding or moving away from you is received as a red light. (I just decided to believe him- if it weren't true, it would not have concerned world renowned scientists)- The implication here is that the galaxies are slowly moving away from eachother/ our universe is gradually and constantly expanding. That, of course, implies that it, at some point, was closer together and even together which implies a beginning. Ah! Einstein flew all the way there to see it for himself and tried to fiddle with math to disprove it, but couldn't. Since then the argument on "how did life start?" has been a prominent one. One of the scholars wrote a book called "Darwin's black box" in it he claims that if Darwin knew the things that we know now about nanomechanics within cells (which he only knew as jelly blobs when he was writing), he probably would not have made some of the claims that he made. Watson and Crick discovered the double helix/DNA strand (btw Watson and Crick went to Gonville and Cauis which is the same school i attended at Cambridge- there was a giant double helix on one of our stained glass windows int he dining hall) post-darwin and our modern understanding of just what goes on with all the crazy mitochondrial whatnot and protein interaction would have affected his theories. The complexity of the cell just is not something that could arise by chance or necessity but demands a creator. I would try to describe a few of the micro pictures they showed us, but I don't remember any of the terminology- one that unzips a string of proteins has flagella that acts a propeller attached to a diallmagillyrotatingpollthing that attaches to a legit motor. Could this have realistically evolved from something simpler? The idea of cow going back into the ocean and becoming a whale is like converting a 1968 comaro into a nuclear submarine. There are too many technical changes that would need to take place and the likelihood that that would occur without a designer is well, unlikely. The adjustments simply could not have been made without an intelligent adjuster. It would take some crazy smart engineers to transform that camaro. In one protein strand alone, there are 10^105 possible combinations (whatever that means), but there have only been about 10^16 second since the universe began (according to geologists and Hubble-studying astronomers). That is not enough time for all those combinations to evolve by chance- that's more than one change a second- evolution supposedly went from ooze to eyeballs and reproductive systems over generations and generations. Darwinists, since the discovery of the DNA strand and inner workings of cells, write about to the "appearance of design" but not about "design" as a viable reason for it's complexity. As the prof said, "that is called denial" haha. He also said, "In the west, atheism is the default position for the uninformed/ those who have not informed themselves. It is not historical and it is not analytical and it is not even scientific because science is supposed to follow the evidence whereever it leads and when evidence leads to design, they still deny it." Darwinists lack of an answer for an origin of evolution is a "significant hole where there should be something substantial." Atheists authors like Richard Dawkins say that the argument is an "religiously motivated plot to kill evolution." Many compare theological views to old fables like "How the tiger got its stripes", "how the rhino got its horn", or "how the bacteria got it flagellum" haha (flagellum is the whiplike tail the propelles the bacteria). One more thing- the mouse trap- back to the evolution of the whale thing. Dr Behe wrote in his book as an analogy that a mousetraps could not function and in that case exist (if there were natural selection for mousetraps) in any form other than in which they are. If you took away one of its five parts (which would have to be done when backtracking through evolution) then it wouldn't work or survive. A man came back at him and made this whole website proving that he could infact make a mouse trap with 5, 4, 3, 2, and even 1 part and have it still function as a mousetrap! And he drew diagrams and explained how on the site. Well, Dr. Behe- said that's great, but did not that man's intelligence lend a hand to the changes of the mouse trap? In fact, for each recreation of the mousetrap that the man provided, there were multiple differences that would have to be in place and that came out the 10^[something big] combinations. All of which, since they were so great and so far between and since the mousetrap would have been unable to function and died out during any DNA transitional periods, could not possibly have been made without the intelligence of the diagram drawer/ designer. Int he case of living things, that woudl be God. I don't know if I explained that analogy very well, but it made sense when he told it. Well, that became a book didn't it. geeze.

Life goes by one step at a time. Is my left foot in the right spot? Yes. It is. Where do I put my right one in June?

What am I doing? What could I be doing? There are so many options and I feel like I am choosing the path of less excitement. Not of the least excitement, because I don't think that any teacher could ever say that. But I want to travel. Why am I not teacher in Denver? Why am I not in Africa? Why am I not in England? Why am I not a tour guide or something so that I could travel? I'm a going-on-23 single woman living in the suburbs of the same state that I have almost always lived in. Don't get me wrong, I love Texas. And if I go, I doubt I wont be back. But I have wanted to go for a long time. Is now the time or do I ignore it. If I ignore it, how long will I regret it? If I grant it heed, then where do I start?
Decision. Prayer.

Sara Groves vs. Britney Spears. Rd the entry below the one below this. "Beauty is fleeting... but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Prv.31

TOMS Shoes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqrFG7xrE1I

heather

needs affirmation again.

I am slightly shocked and deeply frustrated. I watched a britney spears music video. Tis true, I haven't done that before- i don't watch MTV and I never look at celebrity or secular music info on the web. Crazy that I have sheltered myself like that- being 22 and all. When the song ended, I got this wierd adrenaline rush sensation of both sex-drive and pain of feeling like I have to compete with that. I admit that I almost liked the initial feeling for a moment, but it was drowned out pretty quickly by the feeling of inadequacy. Why does she get to steal men's attention? Does my future husband watch stuff like that now? Does he expect that of me? Does part of him not want to be bound to me because he doesn't get to indulge in stuff like that? Does watching it have the same effect on him of happypain and does it keep dragging him back for more and does his pain keep building up and is his perspective of women skewed? What about my brother? What about my students? What about my girl students that must feel what I feel even stronger if they have even less of the wisdom that "mature-me" obviously doesn't have enough of. Is there a man out there that wants me, just me, and not in a studio with hairdye, fake tan, makeup, expensive lighting, airbrush, and oil and being a part of that 2% of the population that happens to be in the body that producers would stick in the stupid uglyhead studio anyway? Is there a man out there that wants me, just me and doesnt want to go to those videos and images of skanky, confused and probably deeply troubled women to supplement his what-ever-the-heck it is that worldly men want? My first inclination was to call some boy that I know thinks that I am pretty and get some words of affirmation from him. I didn't. First, I know deep in me, that I should get my affirmation from the Lord, not from the eyes of a man- especially from one to whom I am not married. Which leads me to the second reason, I didn't think that the call would benefit the guy's faith walk or focus. So I prayed for my husband and for myself and for a few of the boys that I thought to call. And after I prayed for myself, I had a whole nother train of thoughts flow into me. I thought of a music video that I saw the other day by Sara Groves. It's called "I saw what I saw" if you wanna youtube it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdP6PqsbJY. She's a woman of noble character serving the Lord- in modest attire might I add. And I rerealized- actually rererererealized that a woman like this one is so much more beautiful than an oil-covered one who puts her value in the multitudes of masculine attention. God thinks so AND the husband that I just prayed for is going to think so! I am a treasure! And I get to choose what I am going to treasure and it is not my physical appeal to men.
"Where my treasure is, my heart will be also" (Bible).
"What I treasure will be what I chase after" (Ben Stuart).
Backtrack-what I treasure will surely be a result of what I think about and my mind will be filled with the visuals that enter my eyes and with the words, affirming or not, that enter my ears. Read Philippians 4:8. And as those thoughts flow into my heart and become my treasure, I will chase them- and it is at that what-am-i-going-to-fill-up-with/chase after decision point that some girls burden themselves and hurt themselves. I am reassured that the noble-charactered woman is both more beautiful and more confident than sex idols. My treasure is in the Lord and in what the Lord treasures and I am a pure gift to my husband and I hope and pray that he treasures me above those fake things on a computer screen. Oh I'm so excited! I just need to be reminded.
watch Casting Crowns "Slow Fade" too. After you read Philippians 4:8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGHILmOHptY

I'm in Abilene with Grandmother and family

Grandmother was moved to hospice today. She is too tired to open her eyes or talk, but I can tell by her facial expressions that she can hear us. I sat and sang to her for a long time. It is strange that barely a month ago, we were walking around her house and flipping through catalogues together. She has three children: Dad, Tim, Thad, and Tracee. I've been watching the sons together. I don't know what to say about it, just that I am watching it. Katie, Carter, and I stood with her for a while, quiet and teary, I don't really know what to say about that either. I read a poem to her that I found- it reminded me of her as soon as I heard it. I'll type it. It is kindof long; it's about John 15- "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

"Tis only a little branch, a thing so fragile and weak;
But that little branch have a message true to give could it only speak.
I'm only a little branch; I live by life not mine.
For the sap that flows through my tendrils small is the life blood of the vine.
No power, indeed, have I, the fruit of myself to bear,
But since I'm part of the living vine, it's fruitfulness I share.
O, dost thou ask how I abide- how this life I can maintain?
It's easy, I'm bound to the vine by life's strong band and I only need remain.
Where first my life was given in the spot where I am set,
Upborn and upheld as the days go by by the stem which bears me yet.
I fear not the days to come or dwell not upon the past,
As moment by moment, I draw life which forever more shall last.
See I bask in the sun's bright beams, which sweetness fills my fruit,
Yet I own not the clusters hanging there for they all come from the root.
A life which is not my own but another's life in me,
This, this is the message the branch would speak, a message to thee and me.
O struggle not to abide nor labor to bring forth fruit,
But let Jesus unite thee to Himself as the vine branch to the root.
So simple, so deep, so strong that union with Him shall be,
His life shall ever replace thine own and His love shall flow through thee.
For His spirit's fruit is love and love shall thy life become.
And forever more on His heart of love shall my spirit have her home.
-Freda H.

So I read that to her and sang her some songs and talked about something I had told her before (below) and told her I was proud of her.
2 Tim 1:5 "I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."
Last year, I painted this verse for her and added that she is like Lois who had a firm foundation in Christ and taught her faith to children who taught it to their families and now, because of her foundation in Christ, a whole family trusts the Lord and other lives have been touched because of it.

Katie and I painted her nails today. They are pretty-pink and so are mine. We went back by the house tonight and while Dad was busy, I played in her vanity and closet. I tried on her jewelry- her engagement ring and some earrings and a pearl necklace and put on her lipstick and perfume and tried on her shoes.

Heather is living in a surprised state. I'm just surprised that I am surprised about what I am surprised about. It feels good in a wierd and unexpected way.

Anyway, have you ever played your ipod while driving by charging it through your laptop computer which you plugged into a converter because it needs to be charged too and sticking that in the cigarette lighter? It was like having company in the passenger seat.

Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me; once was lost but now am found; was blind but b/c of me am still having trouble seeing

Prov 13:12

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Christ is to be my longing. If I let Him, then He will fulfill His promises and thus fill me. And when I am that tree of life with hope in the Lord, I will be abiding in Him and my branches will become fruit-bearing. Those branches will not be thrown into the fire. When I produce fruit, I will add to His joy and He will add to mine. How Alive that feels- ("Life is Christ, everythingelse is just living.") I don't know why I haven't been chasing it since Pine Cove.

John 15:4-"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

And apart from me you feel nothing. You are dead eventhough you are alive, like a cabbage is to a ball of string and a cat is to literature or arithmatic. You may have blood in your veins instead of chlorophyl and you may even comprehend arithmatic, but you are unresponsive to God, whom you were made to interact with. Your tree exists like a skeleton lacking the blooms that it was created to make. John 15:6 "If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." 1 Corinthians 3:15 "If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames." This fruit production and much more the life of your branches, is not something that we can attain through effort. We do not hold our breath and push till our ears pop as if that would make the apples pop out. A tree doesn't make its fruit by its own efforts; He brings forth the blooms. Matt. 6:30 "If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, will he not much more clothe you?"

Eph. 5:15 "Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you."
"The Deeper the Roots the Higher the Reach."-that is on a framed poster on the wall in a Starbucks bathroom in Ennis, TX. Deepen your roots in the Lord by abiding in Him and your tree of life will grow higher and reach farther to others who need your help and need Him. Those century-tree like branches will be bursting with fresh smelling fruit! "The LORD smelled the pleasing aroma." Genesis 8:21. And 2 Corinthians 2:15 says, "For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."

journal entry about that distant husband guy and what I am realizing about myself-sorta

Thinking about it on my way to sleep. Got up and wrote it down. No, marriage is not this close to the forefront of my mind. I am a single woman right now and proud to be that. But that doesn't mean that I can't think about it.

I want more than anything for that man to hold me so close and tight and let me sleep on his chest with joy and pride in having me as a wife. I want and need him to hold my face and say to me regularly, "You are enough for me. I am completely content and satisfied by you and I could not ask for anything more. Thank you for all that you do and for how you tenderly take care of me and my home. I will treasure you always and I will never ever ever leave you or forsake you and my eye will never desire to go astray. And I will lead our family by God's hand which is bigger than my own."

From what I have gathered, this is the longing in the hearts of most women, but this is one of the first times that I tapped into myself and realized what it is that I am really longing for.

Ozark National Forest

I want to go hike and camp in Ozark National Forest. I have riden through it by car and motorcycle more than thrice, but I haven't done enough hiking in it. I need to put this aluminum hiking backpack to use. October 25ish- when the leaves are turning and it isn't too too cold. Any ideas?

Oh and I am looking at opportunities to teach abroad this summer. Asia or Europe? If I work at camp for half the summer, then it will have to be somewhere with internet access the other half so that I can do grad school classes from there. I bet I don't work at camp. I could teach for anywhere from 3 weeks to 12 weeks. up to me. What do you think?

Naaman Forest. I love my students. I am so tired.

I have not blogged in a long time. I have less time than I used to have. And I have enough company that I need not use this space to replace socialization. I get plenty of "social" at work (there are few places more social than a high school-granted they are all 6-7 years younger than I), so, when I get home, I almost prefer a bit of alone time. Whereby, during the summer I was a bit lonely and when I got back from being in class, where I knew few people, then left my phone on the counter because there were few people to listen to me talk, I needed to type and pretend like more than three people were reading it.
"Alone time"...what is that again? Oh yea- that's when I drive four hours to college station by myself once every 3 weeks. Haha. I am trying to healthily balance being a good teacher (this requires a lot of research since i am teaching some things that I have not learned myself since HS and I wasn't necessarily paying great attention when I learned those. aka: big time commitment), getting enough SLEEP, getting adequate exercise/acivity from Rock Climbing to bike riding and using the Liftime Fitness membership I purchased, spending time with my family and doing chores around the house, and getting a good dose of social time with people my age- most of the teachers I work with are wonderful but older than me and of course the ppl that I spend the most time with are much younger all though I love my students oh so much, and then having quiet time in which I can pray and journal and coffee in a big chair indian style- a few weeks without that and i just don't feel as alive. I have not done arts and crafts in a long time... and I am still on the late August journal- that's wierd for me. My church is wonderful. My community group is beautiful. My accountability group still loves me a lot. I've gone dancing up here enough times to keep me sane and I am required to drive to College Station enough that I don't cry from missing it. Men confuse me, but I don't mind that. I confuse men, and I mind that less. Sometimes I really feel like I get up, race the sun to school, monitor mild maniacs in the hallway (that is not negative, it is funny), then teach 30 teenagers at a time for 8 hours with a thirty minute soup break, then tutor them one-on-one after that, then grade what they did, then eat something, then plan what we are doing the next day, then sleep a little bit. I have gotten sick because of not sleeping enough twice and i had to pull off the road one morning because fell asleep at the wheel- bad and scary. But I hate the scrambled feeling of not being prepared. My first period class probably thinks I'm incompitant because they are my ginny pigs class. But once second period comes in I'm set and the day runs smoothly. I'm relatively quick on my toes. and i try to make them think. i ask them a lot of questions during lecture to get them to think and anticipate as well as to stir discussion. Some classes are AWESOME in group discussion! I love it. Different classes have different personalities- i have always heard that but now i really see it. We have discussed security and freed om and economics and development and maintainance of corporations and the environment and photography and self-esteem and how to treat janitors. A lot of kids are very opinionated and they seem to like to hear what i have to say about these things. I play devils advocate- and while i do my best to be unbiased on political things, they are usually curious and responsive to what I think about what we discuss- which is nice but not as important. I don't want them to just know facts about history. This is "social studies;" i want them to leave my class with a better understanding of society and how to develop their own opinions and how to listen to others. I am really enjoying it- but I do not deny my near exhaustion. I think I already told you enough about that. Ha. I have had some interesting scenarios in my class room. Crazy attention seeker student who cannot stay in his chair for more than five minutes stole my orange juice, hid it from me, took a drink of it, and through it against the back wall last week. That was interesting. I have had a bright laser-like-but-not-quite pen light shined in my eyes while i lectured. One boy got up and punched another one in his seat. Another does things like stand up in his chair randomly in the middle of class and stare at me until i tell him to sit down. If I look at him like he is foolish and ask him to get down without taking away from classtime to give him attention, then his is less likely to do it as often. they are so funny like that. I have had a lot of neat conversations with a bunch of girl students. Football games are a blast. i make my rounds to visit my band kids and my sterling stars and my cheerleader and my Lumberjack boys that treat me like their mom. The lumberjacks stand down on the field and do stunts during games then they run back to me like Miss. Miss. How did that look? high fives high fives. Miss. Miss. watch this! And like three of them run into my classroom nearly everyday after school with some bright idea that they have been wating since third period to tell me. I really like it. I have a bunch o f students that want to start a swing dance club. So we are- that should be a blast. I have to decide what is safe enough to teach them and what's a liability. I have gotten to talk to quite a few students about God already and I love that. they do too. Okay this is long enough. I'm going to drink this wine and head towards bed where i may consider day dreaming for at least twenty minutes before sleeping because it is worth it. Trust me, life without day dreaming is sad. I used to daydream in my journal too, but now it is practically back to back sermon notes. okay tat is not true, but it is pretty close.

"Hard Day?" what is that, a slogan?

Walking down the terminal- Southwest Airlines adds on the walls made me think. The theme sentence between four posters was "hard day?".

Poster 1: A business man fixing a printer with ink exploded on his face and looking frustrated
Poster 2: Zoomed in on a broken business high heel shoe
Poster 3: A dog eating a Black Berry computer phone
Poster 4: A woman in a suit being splashed by a taxi driving through a mud puddle
I don't know what the point of these adds is, but they reveal a lot about American culture and priorities. Why doesn't it say "hard day?" and show a hungry five year old boy sitting by a projects basketball court? Why doesn't it show a young girl fallen into prosititution who jus found out that she is pregnant or has an STD? Why doesn't it show the homeless man who had his ID stolen and now cannot possibly get a job? Or the one tha showed up at free breakfast under the bridge on Sunday morning to find that they had run out of tacos? Or the woman that got her only outfit wet in the rain and there is not public building that will let her come in from the cold because she is too dirty? What about cancer and suicide and hunger and the storms and fires that take out whole neighborhoods and carbombs and oil spills? What about the soul that never finds God and the Christian too afraid to tell them? Why in the world is a broken high heel or a cracked computer grounds for a "hard day?"?
We have it so easy. Maybe humans are just prone to negativity and seek opportunities for complaint; and if there are no real problems in our lives then we have to find something to be upset about or else we can't poossibly be living fully, right? Or maybe we just don't expect to live fully. Well it is true that it is impossible to live fully if you look to anything on earth to satisfy you- including "real problems" like food and health. Only God can satisfy our needs and longings. If you aren't happy and are wondering why, don't blame shallow worldly things. Get to know the living God who will make your joy full. John 15:11.
And please hold me accountable- If ever you hear me ranting or upset about something dumb, call me out.

My friend Jazztronaut from camp wrote this to me in a letter, "It seems to me that it is really through our faith in God that we are able to serve others and put their needs abouve our own. If this train of thought is true, the people who serve well are to be commended for their faithful trust in God, because they innately or intentionally rely on Him to provide their own needs after taking care of the needs of others. Matthew 6:33."

A camper said about her week at camp (and I wrote this down in my journal because I learned from her), "I learned that sometimes God won't give you what you want so that you will realize that is is not what you need."

My clever quote concerning men and women in relationships.

""Boys are more obvious; girls are more mysterious.
Girls are more intuitive; boys are more oblivious."

Camp zoomed by fast. Geeze.

Camp ended. I got to be a counselor the last week! That was pretty much amazing. I had gotten pretty comfortable in my kitchen role and prayed that God would present a way to stretch me a little more the last week and He did. The director grabbed me about an hour and a half before the campers arrived and said, "Stretch, one of the counselors had a crisis at home and left....so....you're a counselor this week." Ah! Oh I loved it! My girls were wonderful and I miss them. I was certainly thrown once again out of my comfort zone and I learned more about relating to teenagers. I think just the fact that I have been overwhelmed and ucomfy and uncertain so many times while having to be responsible in such a short period of time before the big school boom is good. I was coasting through college. not that classes weren't challenging anymore, i just knew what to expect, how hard i had to work, and well, I knew what I was doing and have been in my comfort zone for two years now. Even performing dancing in from of a few thousand people had become no big deal. So being thrown into two situations where I was being depended on be others and having to make lots of crazy decisions on the fly and think fast and do things that I didn't know how to do was, if nothing else, good for preparing me for the suprises and overwhelmtion that I expect from teaching. Yippy. Thanks God. And I think my leadership abilities have been pruned and formed in a good way. I have learned so much about myself, my strengths, my weaknesses, how much I need God, and how to rely on Him. Camp, of course, was more to me than that, but I am not going to type about it right now. thanks.

I'm on my weekend break borrowing Jaws of Life's Mac. Camp is wonderful.

God tends to do this at Pine Cove... PC puts you in a position out of your comfort zone where you are not prepared and dont really know what you're doing and then gives a lot of responsibility in it. So you pretty much cant do it yourself; maybe you can push through a week of it but not 6 wks. You have to rely on God so your faith inescapably grows. Two summers ago it was being a horse wrangler (I had never done anything with horses before that summer's training and I was full time teaching elementary kids how to ride and keeping them safe at camp), now it's working on Chaos. i got here to find out that the girl above me got incredibly sick- pray for her- and had to leave so I got promoted to kitchen director. I have never worked on workcrew at pine cove, nor have I ever really worked in a commercial kitchen style spot in such a time crunch before. so i have 10 or so people under me and i have to tell them what to do and get it all done on time from getting the food on clean dishes within proximity to their forks and getting done all those behind the scenes things that everyone including myself has always thought just magically appears like empty trash cans, toilet paper and filled soap dispensers, and setting up and breaking down tables and decorations. Sometimes I have to close my eyes and pretend like I am not touching something that I am scooping out of a drain or scraping off of a plate with my fingers. haha. It's all wonderfully humbling. Through the experience so far I have had a scary wakeup call that I am mostly glad to have had. I am not as good of a leader as I thought I was. I am not very decisive, consistent, procedural, or precise as the person that does this job really should be. I had to learn the ropes and figure out how the kitchen functions and how each theme night is run this week, so i will give myself a little bit of slack for that, but I am having a rough time and feel slightly discouraged but motivated. I have to be ready to run a classroom in less than a month! All those traits and more are crucial to be an affective teacher. So I am glad that I am realizing this now and getting this practice and preparation for being in a leadership role.

The other thing is my foot. I am having to learn how to express myself in ways other than with my body- which is interesting and slightly confining. Things are going well, I can walk and scurry in the brace now which is so good- I have to ice it 3-4x a day and I epsom salt it and do daily exercises to improve flexibility and I expire and have to elevate it within the last 5 minutes of clean up every meal- good timing. The doc said I wont be able to dance or climb until October. I found myself journaling about how I felt about it the other day and then caught myself learning a lesson. I feel like I am less exciting to the campers and my peers here because I can't jump and dance or run or play frisbee. I wrote down, I don't feel exciting enough.

Would i be more exciting if i could jump and dance? Would that make me more confident? OMG, Does my confidence come from within me?!! My confidence should come from the Lord and be IN the Lord, not myself.

Menomona (a sr counselor) said in a sermon this this week "Your identity determines your activity, your activity does not determine your identity." My identity should be in Christ and not in myself and definitely not in what I do. Well that is an incredible relief actually. I dont have to strive for that myself. And if I do choose to put that burden on myself anyway, then I am not showing Christ to those around me the way that I should. I do not want to be a woman that is that focused on myself or feels like I have to strive to maintain some "adequate" level of self confidence for the rest of my life. And I don't want to grow up to be one of those middle aged women that has overdone hair and makeup and is still upset about looking old and overly concerned with matters of the world or trying to be some sexy trophy wife thing. I want to be a peaceful spirited women filled with the Lord's contentment and joy and peace and pouring that into other people, Centered in God' s grace and truly seeing myself as that beautiful woman that God made me, not worried about my external appearance or how "exciting" i am coming off as, and supported by a man that uplifts me in those things. I am praying about this- i am far from attaining it. So camp is a blessing. and the girls that I am working with are so splendidly wonderful beautiful blessing women of God! Oh I so excite to be here! Okay I love you all. Have a wonderful week!

Happy July 4th

Mom took fire work pictures for the newspaper tonight (she's a photographer and sports writer). So I tagged along and took some shots too. It was fun- very fourth of Julyish. Sitting itchy in the middle of a flat field. kids and toddlers running around squealing in the dark- so dark that the only reason I knew when that one little boy ran by was by his light up Reeboks. The tone of their squealing changed once the show started. I think parents like it when their kids cling to them every time there's a bang. Like how boys like it when girls cling to them in scary movies. I still like doing the clinging (but not on my mom). The banging is thrilling, the bright colorful ones pop like bubble gum then wilt groundward like Fraggle hairdos. But I especially like the lingering ones that look more like chandeliers suspended from the Beauty and the Beast ballroom ceiling. Those bang first then fizzle and crackle like pop rocks in your mouth until they fade out or are interrupted. Their gray-haze skeletons float away in a train and are reilluminated by the flickers that follow it. I wonder what the scene looks like from an airplane. I bet the bright round ones look like overdecorated birthday cupcakes in a disappearing act- all pit-a-patching below. That would be fun, but I would rather take a crick in my neck from looking up than one from looking down any day. Hey, did you know that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? Have a happy Fourth of July. Oh- we took a picture of a white firework bursting while a green stream was shooting under it and it looked like a giant dandelion. that excited me definitely.

classification

I sent wonderful Dana a text message that said, "I classified myself today. I am a sitting indian style in a coffee shop with a flower in my hair kind of a girl. And you, you are a doing a toe touch on a scottish highland hilltop with a flower in your hair kind of a girl. Both buttercups." She sent me one back, "I think that is above perfection. Though both should be interspersed with various dance moves. Twirls for you, flailing for me." She's adorable.

"Texan Till I Die" that's a song title

I have too many interests. Mom and I are watching videos of Asleep at the Wheel and Bob Wills': Cherokee Maiden, Boogie Back to Texas, Route 66, San Antonio Rose, Steel Guitar Rag and Hot Rod Lincoln. It reshows me just how much I love this country singing country dancing culture and why would I want to leave? Dang I'm proud to be a Texan. Cowboy hats, ropers and beltbuckles on the streets, horses along the highways, rodeos, dance halls, and popular bars built of wood and rust. we don't snap like new york poets; it's toes tappin and two steppin to guitar pickers, fast fiddlers, skinny bass players and fat banjos twangers. I still think I want to leave for a little while and experience some other places in or out of the US- it's an itch. But I can't imagine not coming back here and I am going to gather every experience I can while I live here this year. Take me to Luchenbach. Take me to Austin. I want to go September 26 to the Austin City Limits Music Festival. Asleep at the Wheel is playing at noon and I'm really think I may get a sub- you can do that guiltlessly t[w][hr]ice a semester. Oh take me to a downtown dive for South Austin Jug Band accompanied by twilight sangria.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=8pZvCnjiAbI

"I am only one, but I am one." -J.R. Miller

I was looking for something specific but found it not. mostly because I got distracted by other ones. Ones about you know what- not the ones I was looking for. Either way, I enjoyed reading through them. It is strange to still be able to see two-year-old tear stains on journal pages and to read through life goals that are still just as blurry as they were then and through sin and temptation struggles that are still just as prevalent. On a lighter note, the same little things still excite me. And I have written the same three disney princess song lyrics at least five times in the last seven years and they still woo me and get stuck in my head just as much as they did when I was 17. I actually wrote some pretty deep stuff when I was in high school. Those journals are usually neat to look at. They alternate Jesus fanatic journal, boy-crazy journal, good research and lots of Bible studies journal, boy-crazy silly-girl journal, prayerful and thoughtful journal, day dreamer girl journal. It's like that merry-go-round in Caldwell city park; a different color on each slice of the ever spinning metal pie. Luckily I don't get nauseated. Almost all of the old ones are quite creative. I decorated the exteriors myself and filled them with colorful sketches and magazine clippings, and bold markers emphasize inspirational quotes or personal thoughts. 11th grade. "I am only one, but I am one." -J.R. Miller. me: I can't do everything, but I can do something; what I can do, I ought to do, and what I ought to do, I will do." I guess now would be a good time to go read The Purpose Driven Life, but I'm not going to. I can apply that thought to how I choose to approach working at camp this summer and, of course, to my teaching next year. I will not be able to do everything for all of my students. But I certainly have my place doing something and I ought to do that with all my might without expecting it of myself to do everything. I tend to expect that and then I end up feeling this guilt and inadequacy that is in every way detrimental to my actions, choices, and inner being related and unrelated to both- that is if you look at the subsequent actions and choices as results of the inner feelings. I can't determine whether the inner ones are conscious or subconscious, and I think they are purely neither but partly both. Certianly, I could do a better job of consciously choosing not to. Anyway. So I feel like a person about to be drawn and quartered between four Quarter horses. No, let's make one of them an Arabian. A white arabian horse with some ugandan name like Tito or Yuwer. Don't get me wrong, I am excited about teaching in Dallas and being here with my family this school year! I feel vonderful about it, but I don't think I want to stay here- do I? Tito pulls me to an unknown and uncomfortable place where I can live like mother Teresa and not care about men and being held by one or attended to emotionally. (honestly though I don't think i was programmed that way and i think that there is a reaso for that) Then there's Stanley, a brown Sorrel (solid colored light brown), he doesn't pull but just stands still and stubborn (more like a fat-butt mule)and holds me here in dallas for years to come and lills me into a semi-longing to find my niche in a little community and drink coffee with the same five people every morning for the next ten years. I fear that. Maybe some day this life will satisfy me- it sounds safe but do I want safe? After watching the movie, Into the Wild today, no, I don't want safe. But I'll feel differently tomorrow and differenter the day after that. If I have learned anything the last three months, it's how different my differently is from the differenter differents. Professor Higgins is half Thoroughbred. Those are tall, slim, English horses mostly used for racing. I want to move to england or scotland and be a tour guide in some city that sparks my creativity and artistry and love of tea and coffee and poetry and literature and Music. I would travel around and practice all those accents and meet people and wear my British caps and layer cardigans in the cold. I'd get lonely sooner than I think I would. Sometimes I crave-long-ache for a companion to make these decisions with. I've been reading Tolstoy's "Family Happiness" Part 1 Chapter 5, "He said to me, 'Now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor -- such is my idea of happiness. And then, on the top of all that, you for a mate, and children perhaps -- what more can the heart of man desire?' 'It should be enough,' I said." Sometimes, I don't mind the idea of being just me and exploring myself a little longer and serving God in a very different and less restrained way like Paul talks about in what, 1 Corinthians 7? I suppose it really doesn't matter what I want because companionship is not the decision of one person but of two and if the second party is not interested then you are alone no matter how cravey your consciously or subconsciously choose to be. My grandfather said the other day, that he doesn't understand love. That it comes up whether you want it to or not with a person that you want it to be there with or not and once you get it , you can't shake it off like nothing. It's like pullin all the fibers off a cotton seed or suckin all the cotton candy residue off your fingers then gettin the rest of it off of the roof of your mouth with your tongue. The first one will make your hands bleed and the second one is a plague of stickiness. I haven't told about the forth horse yet. She's a quarter horse and she tugs west. West. To an American, west doesn't mean just "west" it means frontier, discovery, and the uncomfortable unknown and adventure and probably a bit of a hard time. I KNOW i want adventure. I know that I know that what i am wanting is adventure. what the heck is adventure? well the truth is i am really not sure. i guess that it is something that i feel like i am not having right now. well what is that? certainty? I have been living in uncertainty for so long and I still felt this desire throught that. Is it to be out of Texas? is adventure in Santa Fe or in some Utah national park or ski resort. i see, it must be outdoors. yep. When i think of adventure i think of rock climbing and hiking boots and tank tops and highway 1 and tall trees on tall mountains and the cold pool at the base of a secluded waterfall and my bouldering pad laying on the ground next to my clothes by the water. I want to tent camp on the beach north of Bodega Bay, walk deep into the narrows in Zion Canyon till i'm too tired to walk all the way back but do it anyway, to hike into those hotsprings south of Vegas and try lead climbing on a eagle shaped rock in Yosemite, i want to kayak somewhere anywhere and watch horses canter over slopes where the wind makes the yellow grass look more like water to launch that kayak into, then make pottery in an old tshirt at night when the crickets are churping so loud that you cant hear the one and only car horn in the distance, surrounded by photos of people i love doing crazy things and sketches of odd things that I saw or thought up. I want to watch thunderstorms from someone elses covered porch and listen to stories to tell my students when I am an old teacher.
Can I do it all? I want to live several lives. I doubt I'll be drawn and quartered. Will i stay in this state of limbo for years to come? This year, maybe. Soon, one rope will yank me harder than the others and that is the direction i will go. a few years later, will i look back regretfully? Or will i be glad? Oh does it matter? I will be glad. And you're right, I do have a lot more life to live than I seem to think I do. Just don't strap myself down. I know this is going to sound completely different from what i just wrote and it is going to make it all sound so faithless and silly, but here's some John Wesley. Advice to self perhaps. "I found that the chief purpose of prayer in determining the will of God is to get my will in an unprejudiced state about the issue at hand. Then, when my will is unprejudiced, I find that God suggests reason to my mind concerning the proper course." Strap yourself not to a horse or a mule. Psalm 32:8-9.
please give me a comment on this one.

over the meadow and through the woods, a board game, and red skillet.

Dad and I just went on a 2 hour motorcycle ride. We drove north over the meadow and through the woods and beside the lake and upon the hills at dusk. It was wonderful. We talked about salvation and missions and lifegoals and reasonability of life goals and about men. and about how confusing women must be. Late last night, I sat out on the front porch with a bowl of cereal and rocked in the rocking bench while I watched a spectacular, cloud-muffled thunderstorm to my left. It was lovely; i treasured the time; i felt a little lonely, so i let the dog out to sit with me. I just beat Mom and Carter's tales at Monopoly. Which is more impressive than you think because I am usually horrible at strategy games. I sauteed squash and tomatoes that my grandma brought us from her garden. Yes, I sauteed tomatoes. It was good and I felt creative. Drank red wine while i did it. Rich, Smooth, and Oaky and as relaxing as a hot bath in goats milk surrounded by cinnamon cented candles with sequoia trees shadows and a doe or two outside the quadruple paned window.

I'm in Dallas. Sorting things out ^2. My foot is improving- MRI came back that I didn't tear those ligaments afterall. A pretty-darn-bad sprain and bone bruise. So I am still in the bigblackboot and I can walk around in it almost comfortably but still utilize the crutches for long distances. I'm heading to camp Saturday morning! El Gaupo just assigned me to the Arts and Crafts and Dance class mix, so I won't have to be juking campers or anything. I'm so glad! The thing about beinga chaos coordinator is that you dont get any-on-one time to get to know campers like counselors do, but with this activity class, I will get to be with girls everyday and get to know them a bit! I'm excited about that. So I'll pobably be in the boot for the first week or so and then i can move to the ankle brace which I'll be wearing for about four weeks. good good amen.

For now, though, I am in Dallas sorting. Oh I have a song stuck in my head. The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson. Go listen to it. Paige and Dan danced their first dance to it and it has successfully made me think. I am really pretty good at thinking on my own though. I just like songs and poems and quotes and such to prompt it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=jJOzdLwvTHA