heather

needs affirmation again.

I am slightly shocked and deeply frustrated. I watched a britney spears music video. Tis true, I haven't done that before- i don't watch MTV and I never look at celebrity or secular music info on the web. Crazy that I have sheltered myself like that- being 22 and all. When the song ended, I got this wierd adrenaline rush sensation of both sex-drive and pain of feeling like I have to compete with that. I admit that I almost liked the initial feeling for a moment, but it was drowned out pretty quickly by the feeling of inadequacy. Why does she get to steal men's attention? Does my future husband watch stuff like that now? Does he expect that of me? Does part of him not want to be bound to me because he doesn't get to indulge in stuff like that? Does watching it have the same effect on him of happypain and does it keep dragging him back for more and does his pain keep building up and is his perspective of women skewed? What about my brother? What about my students? What about my girl students that must feel what I feel even stronger if they have even less of the wisdom that "mature-me" obviously doesn't have enough of. Is there a man out there that wants me, just me, and not in a studio with hairdye, fake tan, makeup, expensive lighting, airbrush, and oil and being a part of that 2% of the population that happens to be in the body that producers would stick in the stupid uglyhead studio anyway? Is there a man out there that wants me, just me and doesnt want to go to those videos and images of skanky, confused and probably deeply troubled women to supplement his what-ever-the-heck it is that worldly men want? My first inclination was to call some boy that I know thinks that I am pretty and get some words of affirmation from him. I didn't. First, I know deep in me, that I should get my affirmation from the Lord, not from the eyes of a man- especially from one to whom I am not married. Which leads me to the second reason, I didn't think that the call would benefit the guy's faith walk or focus. So I prayed for my husband and for myself and for a few of the boys that I thought to call. And after I prayed for myself, I had a whole nother train of thoughts flow into me. I thought of a music video that I saw the other day by Sara Groves. It's called "I saw what I saw" if you wanna youtube it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSdP6PqsbJY. She's a woman of noble character serving the Lord- in modest attire might I add. And I rerealized- actually rererererealized that a woman like this one is so much more beautiful than an oil-covered one who puts her value in the multitudes of masculine attention. God thinks so AND the husband that I just prayed for is going to think so! I am a treasure! And I get to choose what I am going to treasure and it is not my physical appeal to men.
"Where my treasure is, my heart will be also" (Bible).
"What I treasure will be what I chase after" (Ben Stuart).
Backtrack-what I treasure will surely be a result of what I think about and my mind will be filled with the visuals that enter my eyes and with the words, affirming or not, that enter my ears. Read Philippians 4:8. And as those thoughts flow into my heart and become my treasure, I will chase them- and it is at that what-am-i-going-to-fill-up-with/chase after decision point that some girls burden themselves and hurt themselves. I am reassured that the noble-charactered woman is both more beautiful and more confident than sex idols. My treasure is in the Lord and in what the Lord treasures and I am a pure gift to my husband and I hope and pray that he treasures me above those fake things on a computer screen. Oh I'm so excited! I just need to be reminded.
watch Casting Crowns "Slow Fade" too. After you read Philippians 4:8. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGHILmOHptY